What Would Jesus Do?

 

As most of you probably know, I have been seeing a guy that I affectionately refer to as the "bible thumper". I haven't posted anything due to my fear of him "friending" me on Facebook and discovering my posts about him. I even deleting my former blog posts about him (he is also the natural body builder). Now, I just don't give a shit, so I figured I would update on the progress, or lack there of, with this guy. If we do become facebook friends...he will be on limited profile, so I am safe.

 
Don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy. He loves Jesus...I mean, REALLY loves Jesus. He is committed to fitness and is into natural body building, down to painting himself orange and strutting on stage in a man-kini. As you can tell, this is not going to work. Jesus is cool and all, but his LOVE for JC rivals that of my love for wine. My commitment to fitness comes with its peaks and valleys...and well, I have been stuck in a valley for quite some time. Let me recap some date highlights:

First Date
It went better than expected. I actually had a great time. I was concerned about his work ambition as it sounded like he was a secretary, but I let it go. I can't recall any specifics that we talked about, but the conversation was good and I laughed a lot. Mainly, laughing at myself, but whatever. After dinner, he carried me across a puddle. Um, ok. I am not exactly feeling slim these days, so that kind of weirded me out. Then we also made out on a street corner for an hour. All in all - I give the date 7 out of 10. And as you will see...he peaked on the first date.

Secondish Date
I don't really count this as a true date. It was my birthday and I went to beer club for it. He came. I didn't really talk to him that much but when he left, I walked outside with him and made out like teenagers.

Real Second Date:
Once a month, this bar in Tribecca has Cincinnati night. They serve all the finest cuisines from the Nati, including (my favorite) Skyline, LaRoses, Montgomery Inn and Graeters. You have to make reservations because there are a lot of Ohio transplants here who look forward to this night as much as I do. I made reservations for 9PM and confirmed with the BT (bible thumper) that this time would work. He said yes, no problem. Now, he works in the city. Lives in Queens. Not far from Tribecca. I arrived 10 minutes early to claim our table. They wouldn't seat us until both of us were there. He then texted me saying he was running 10 minutes late. Ok, no problem. I found the lone seat at the bar and kicked back some Little Kings beer. Then, a 9:15pm, he texted that he was still 15 minutes away. I asked the guy if we still had a shot at our table and he said that they give away the tables after 15 minutes if both people aren't there. With a big crowd outside, I could see that I had lost my table. There were no other seats at the bar and sadly what came to my mind was "oh well - I have a seat, so at least I can eat." Uber selfish, I know.

BT shows up a little before 9:40PM. I kept thinking, "Denise, are late to everything, don't get upset. You work late too and things come up." THEN he said - I left work, went home to shower and change, and I just knew I didn't have enough time. WTF?!?!!? You f-ing left work late, knew you were going to be way more than 10 minutes late and you still went home to change? No. Not cool. The nice old man beside me, got up and gave the BT his chair. A part of me wishes he didn't do that once I learned he went home to shower. After 10 minutes, I cooled down, partly because I killed a bucket of Little Kings beer. It was an ok conversation. It feels like we are just scratching the surface with "what are your plans this weekend?" "how was work?" I can't tell you anything about where he grew up, if he has siblings, what he likes to do outside of bible study, etc. He did tell me that he was "super stressed about work" because he was planning this big event. His biggest stress: the food. Where on earth where they going to go to eat? Would these people like it? Oh, the stress. I had to hold myself back from not laughing. He had confirmed my thoughts: he is a secretary. You can wrap it in a pretty bow and say "marketing analyst / office manager" but at the end of the day dude, you are a secretary.

Then, the bill comes and he conveniently leaves to go to the bathroom. Ok, I usually would have no problem picking it up, but he was f-ing 40 minutes late. He came back and the bill just sat there. Obviously, needing to address the payment situation -  I offered to spilt it. He took me up on the offer and then goes into a whole conversation about his finances, which I didn't want to hear. It just became even more awkward after that.

We left and he offered to walk me home. We got to my door and he made the impression a lot of people make "you live here?" So, I felt like I had to prove that while it looks super shitty from the outside, it's actually a nice space. We went up and my roommates were still up. I asked if he wanted to see the view of the city from the roof. And yes, I admit - it was partly because I knew he wanted a MOP (make out party) and partly because I love the view. We made out and then he thought it would be a good idea to go to second base on the roof. It was super awkward with the fumbling of the bra and the overall awkwardness of it all, not to mention the denim cock thrusts. I was so over it. I could not wait for him to leave. But not one to throw in the towel, I said I needed to give him another chance.

Funny conversations between second and third dates:

Let me lay out the picture: Sunday afternoon. Me hungover, laying in bed, watching Intervention (best show ever) to make myself feel better about my life. Highly recommend this therapy by the way. My phone rings and it's BT.

Me: Hey - how's it going?
BT: GREAT! what are you up to?
Me: ugh, well just being lazy. What are you up to?
BT: Oh you know. I went to the gym this morning and then went to Church. After Church, a bunch of my church friends and I volunteered at the Soup Kitchen for a few hours and then we went to brunch.
Me: .....
He has done more today that I will most likely do all week. Definitely not going to work.

BT: Hey, how's it going?
Me: Great - just on my way to happy hour with friends. I am excited for some wine. What are you doing?
BT: On my way to Bible Study
Me: .....

Third AND Final Date
We decided to meet up last night for a comedy show and dinner. Great - I love comedy shows and food. He texted me earlier in the day asking if I could be back in the city by 6:30pm. I really wanted to go to the gym and shower beforehand, but I decided not to so we could make the 6:30 show. I said it would be close, but I would be there. He then said he could do a concert and my exact text was "let's do the 6:30 show and grab food after. How about sushi?" His response "sounds great. Call you at 5:30pm" Right at 5:30, he calls but I am in the work shuttle and don't feel like talking. I text him and say, " In the shuttle, can't talk but I will get there close to 6:30, depending on the traffic." His response, "I will be there at 6:40". I asked what time the show was and he said 6:30. I said "you're not going to make the show? is the show a no-go?" His response, "let's say no to the show. where can you meet?" WHERE CAN I F-ING MEET? I CAN MEET AT 6:30PM AT 28TH AND 8TH LIKE YOU F-ING SAID TO SEE A F-ING COMEDY SHOW! Ugh, I was so annoyed. I could have totally took the early shuttle home, went to the gym and then we could have met later had I known the show was a no-go. For the record, I was at 28th and 8th (the location of the comedy show) at 6:23PM. I really wanted to see a comedy show, so I was partly pissed that he cancelled that without warning and was late again. He left work at 5:30 TO GO HOME AND CHANGE. WTF. If you know you don't have time to do that, you don't go home. Simple.

He showed up to a bar I found at 28th and 8th at f-ing 7:05PM. I was so pissed. Not only did we miss the show, but he was 35 minutes late. Why on earth would he offer to go to a show at 6:30 if he couldn't make it? I work in f-ing NEW JERSEY and made it on time. He works a few blocks away and was 35 minutes late. I was so not happy. That's when I went into "I will say whatever the fuck I want" mood. He talked about how his friend is starting a bible study, but he thinks 2 bible studies and church in 1 week might be too time consuming. My response, "you really love Jesus, huh?" His, "yes, I love me some Jesus." Me, "oh, you have made that very clear." <insert awkward silence>. We then go to this sushi bar he picked out. It was an absolute hole. We sat down and it smelled like there was a dead fish on the table. This place reeked. I nearly gagged. He asked if I wanted to leave? No dip shit, let's sit here and smell dead fish. We then went to another spot and it was good. I asked more about where he lives and who he lives with and that's when he dropped a bomb. He lives with 4 people in a 3 bedroom apartment. I asked if they converted the living room into a bedroom. Oh no - BT and one of the guys actually share a room - straight up college style. What.The.Fuck. And then, he talked about work and it was a pretty stressful week. What is his stress this week? Journals. His boss ordered 2,000 journals and they had no place to store them - OH NO, the crisis! Where on earth would he put all these journals? He had to find hiding spots this week. WTF. He walked me home, tried to kiss me, I went in for a hug instead and that's where we left it. And that is how it all ended.

Needless to say, I have tried and the towel is tossed in. Charge on Jesus Solider. God Speed.