Bless this Mess

Bless THIS Mess :)

I stole the title of this blog post from my lovely friend Andrew (to the right). "Bless this Mess" is going to be the name of the short stories that he wants to publish about his crazy life. Although, he has been talking about this for YEARS, so we will see if it ever happens.

My best friend and college roommate, Sara, lives in Connecticut. She also works at Unilever in the same department as me. It's strange how things work out. One of the suppliers had tickets to the Knicks game and asked Sara to go. They ended up having 2 extra tickets: enter me. It actually was one of my old suppliers that I used to work with in Chicago. The supplier is a bit "weird" but it was free dinner, drinks and great seats to the Knicks. Like I would turn this down.



Our awesome seats

 Sara took the train down and we went to meet the supplier for dinner. This is where the wine consumption starting taking place. We ate some steak, drank some wine - life was good. It was me, Sara, our friend Laura from Unilever, another Unilever person, Cara from Sun Products and the supplier. We then left and went to the Knicks game. We had fancy seats, complete with cushions and a server. We were in the 5th row - not too shabby at all, as you can see from my pic. Our server came by and asked the supplier if we wanted drinks. She said "no but check back in a little bit." Clearly, she does not know us at all. Sara and I called him back over. We ordered some more wine (who doesn't drink cab at a basketball game?). He asked if I wanted a double or a single. As if that is even a question at all: double, obvi. Our drinks came out and it was like a bottle of wine with a straw. I was in wine heaven. I had 2 of these. Sara had 1 and then switched to vodka sodas. We thought we were too classy for the typically beer that one consumes at sporting events. Clearly, we were wrong.


My big gulp.


I watched maybe 2 nano seconds of the game. Sara, Laura and I chatted the whole time. It was awesome. Laura just had twins, so she was thrilled for a "free" night. After the game, we said goodbye to the supplier and us 5 girls headed to a bar. This is where things start to go bad.

I was wearing 4 inch heels. I told myself as I was getting ready - and I quote - "the Real Housewives don't wear sneakers to a game. They get all dolled up for these games, so I will too." Yes, I know I am not a Real Housewife, but one can dream :) These heels were the f-ing devil. As we were walking out of Madison Square Garden, the combo of the wine and heels proved to be too much for me to handle and I fell hard on my ass. Thankfully, I did not rip my jeans - just bruised my pride. People laughed, as they should. I got up and played it cool. We walked to the bar for more drinks, because clearly we needed more.


Phone fail.


At the bar, Sara informs me that she is going to go to Duane Reade to buy shoes...because Duane Reade is known for their great shoe collection. She was gone for what felt like an hour. We almost sent out the search party but she found her way back. She couldn't find shoes at Duane Reade (shocking, I know) but she bought a years supply of band aides. She also fell outside and broke her phone. Fail. It made texting challenging over the shards of glass, but at least it still worked! We tried to forget the falling incidents and broken phone. We starting telling some stories, so I course I tell them about the Bible Thumper. After sharing a few laughs and more wine, Sara and I decide to leave to meet up with our friend Daryl. The only problem is, my phone died and he texted me the address. Sara and I jumped in a cab and just headed north. Either Sara would get ahold of him or we would go home - which ever came first. We were about 2 blocks from my apartment an Daryl finally texted Sara the address. We turned around and headed downtown. I end up passing out in the cab, which is always a good sign. We finally made it after what felt like a really long nap. We then get into an argument with the bouncers. They ask us if we want to go upstairs or downstairs. I told him I just wanted to go inside and they raised their voice, "DOWNSTAIRS OR UPSTAIRS?" Ok, douchelord, I know you think you are all high and mighty because you stand outside a bar and check ID's, but here is a reality check: you're fat, ugly and have a meaningless job. Seriously, bouncers take their job WAY too seriously. We opted for upstairs and found our lovely friend Daryl. Things get fuzzy now: Sara and Daryl are yelling at each other. The people beside me are talking in Russian (at least that's what I had in my mind). And there sat me, sipping vodka sodas, playing solitaire. Awesome. Daryl left and Sara and I stayed for awhile. We finally decided to call it a night at 3:00am and we headed home. 

I hate bouncers.



After passing out in yet another cab, we finally made it back to my apartment. I wanted to stop at Henny's. Henny is the street meat guy in front of my apartment. I say hi to him everyday, so in my drunk mind, I think I get special privileges and I can cut the line. There were about 6 people in line, but that didn't phase me. I went straight to the front and said hello to Henny. I told him I wanted a gyro. He said ok, but continued to make the food order for the other people, as he should. I said, "HENNY....IT'S ME! GYRO PLEASE." He laughs and what felt like forever later, I get my gryo. It was heaven in my mouth. Sara ordered the flaffle, which took another year. We walked up the stairs to my apartment. Sara drops her food outside my door. I walk in, slam the door in her face. She scraps up her food, walks in and slams the door. We are eating and talking. I think I am being quiet as a mouse, not to wake the roommates, but as I found out in the morning, I was wrong. We passed out and woke up feeling like warm garbage. We had big plans for Saturday - lunch and a show. That never happened. We didn't leave my couch til after 2PM. Another wasted Saturday...

So, here is something funny. Today, which is roughly 1 week after all this happened, I get this email from Cara, the girl that was there from Sun Products:

Hi Denise,

Hope you had a good weekend! It was great meeting you all last Friday for dinner and the Knicks' game. Did you and Sara make it to the party after we left? So this is random, but you were telling me how nice the guy is that you are dating, but that he may be a little too religious for you. It's funny, but I've actually been looking for someone like that. If you do end that relationship, would you mind introducing us, maybe at a happy hour? If you decide to stay with him, by all means, ignore this e-mail. Regardless, it'd be fun to meet all of you again for drinks. I'm always looking for an excuse to get into the city.
Regards,
Cara

Um, I think this is a little strange, but at least it lessens the blow when I tell the BT that I don't want to see him anymore. I imagine it will go something like this "hey BT, I have good news and bad news. Bad news is that I don't want to date you anymore, but the good news is that I met another BT for you." That should work, right?





Drunk Speed Dating

Speed Dating seems to be a right of passage for a single 20-something. I have never done this before, so why not give it a shot. When I think of speed dating, a flash of Miranda from SATC pops into my head, as well as Steve Carell from 40 Year Old Virgin. But those are not "real life" (as much as I wish I loved the SATC life), so I gave it a shot with my buddy Danielle.

We decided it would be a good idea to get a drink before hand to loosen up. A drink turned into 2 glasses of wine at one bar and another at Madame X, the location of the speed dating. Danielle perfectly described this place, "it looks like a place where people go and spooge all over each other" They had bad red lighting, red couches that look "worn" and lots of mirrors. It looks like a bad scene from Moulin Rouge.

The directions for the speed dating are simple. I had a pen and piece of paper. I was to write down every ones name and put a few sentences about our conversation, so I could remember them later. We were going to talk with roughly 12 guys for 3 minutes. I would then log on to the website tomorrow and pick my favorites that I wanted to go on a date with. If they also picked me, then we would get a message with each other's email address. Simple, right?

Initially, there were more girls than guys, so I was a wee bit concerned at the beginning. The guys finally showed up and they didn't really impress me. Here is where things went wrong. The first guy kicked over my glass of wine. My immediate thought "oh no, I can't go thru this sober!" I remember that he was nice, from Toledo and had REALLY bad jeans & shoes. And then the rest are a blur. I was more focused on my stomach. I was SOOOO hungry. I didn't eat, I had 2.5 glasses of wine pumping thru my veins and all I wanted was some food. After talking to a few guys, I realized I completely failed in my directions. I didn't write down a single name or comment. Fail. We then broke for halftime. The guy that kicked over my wine bought me another glass. I didn't realize this happened, so I bought one for myself. Great, more wine and hardly any food. There were a few snacks, which I was belly up against the bar shoveling cucumber sandwiches in my mouth, as well as carrots. I couldn't eat enough. I am sure I looked like a big winner: belly up at the bar, shoveling food in my mouth with 2 glasses of wine in front of me. Who wouldn't want to date me?

After stuffing my face, I went back to my throne (my chair really looked like a throne). I had 2 glasses of wine and 6 more people to talk to. I made a mental note to write down names, but again, I failed. There were a lot of Russians. One guy asked me, "Do you like to read?" I said no - I really am not a big reader. He talked about how he loves the Twilight Series and he just couldn't believe I didn't like to read. I told him I love to read In Style each month. He was not impressed. I was not impressed with him. There was an awkward silence. I then asked if he was team Jacob or Edward. Again, he really wasn't impressed at all. I remember thinking THESE 3 MINUTES ARE NEVER GOING TO END.

At the end of the session, I wrote down zero names. I was a bottle + deep in wine. I was light headed and STARVING.

Danielle and I decided to go visit her roommate Renata at the restaurant she worked at, which was a trendy place in the Village. Um, we were too drunk to be there. We ordered the cheapest wine on the menu because we are classy like that. We then got into a very confusing conversation with our server over bruschetta. I remember thinking, "send me bread with tomatoes on it. Actually just send me anything." We finally figured it out that it was not bruschetta but dips. Why on earth call it bruschetta when it was a freaking dip? I then dropped my plate and announced that to the bar. We then ordered the octopus salad. I loved it. I love it when the suction cups are all fried and crispy. It was yummy.  It was a good meal, but I am sure I would have enjoyed it more sober. 

Some lessons learned tonight:

1) Speed Dating with 1 - 2 glass of wine is ok. No one wants to talk to the sloppy drunk.
2) Follow the directions. For the record, I never logged on and picked anyone because I couldn't remember any names. No one impressed me, so I guess it was for the best.
3) No nice restaurants when drunk - greasy pizza will do.

What Would Jesus Do?

 

As most of you probably know, I have been seeing a guy that I affectionately refer to as the "bible thumper". I haven't posted anything due to my fear of him "friending" me on Facebook and discovering my posts about him. I even deleting my former blog posts about him (he is also the natural body builder). Now, I just don't give a shit, so I figured I would update on the progress, or lack there of, with this guy. If we do become facebook friends...he will be on limited profile, so I am safe.

 
Don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy. He loves Jesus...I mean, REALLY loves Jesus. He is committed to fitness and is into natural body building, down to painting himself orange and strutting on stage in a man-kini. As you can tell, this is not going to work. Jesus is cool and all, but his LOVE for JC rivals that of my love for wine. My commitment to fitness comes with its peaks and valleys...and well, I have been stuck in a valley for quite some time. Let me recap some date highlights:

First Date
It went better than expected. I actually had a great time. I was concerned about his work ambition as it sounded like he was a secretary, but I let it go. I can't recall any specifics that we talked about, but the conversation was good and I laughed a lot. Mainly, laughing at myself, but whatever. After dinner, he carried me across a puddle. Um, ok. I am not exactly feeling slim these days, so that kind of weirded me out. Then we also made out on a street corner for an hour. All in all - I give the date 7 out of 10. And as you will see...he peaked on the first date.

Secondish Date
I don't really count this as a true date. It was my birthday and I went to beer club for it. He came. I didn't really talk to him that much but when he left, I walked outside with him and made out like teenagers.

Real Second Date:
Once a month, this bar in Tribecca has Cincinnati night. They serve all the finest cuisines from the Nati, including (my favorite) Skyline, LaRoses, Montgomery Inn and Graeters. You have to make reservations because there are a lot of Ohio transplants here who look forward to this night as much as I do. I made reservations for 9PM and confirmed with the BT (bible thumper) that this time would work. He said yes, no problem. Now, he works in the city. Lives in Queens. Not far from Tribecca. I arrived 10 minutes early to claim our table. They wouldn't seat us until both of us were there. He then texted me saying he was running 10 minutes late. Ok, no problem. I found the lone seat at the bar and kicked back some Little Kings beer. Then, a 9:15pm, he texted that he was still 15 minutes away. I asked the guy if we still had a shot at our table and he said that they give away the tables after 15 minutes if both people aren't there. With a big crowd outside, I could see that I had lost my table. There were no other seats at the bar and sadly what came to my mind was "oh well - I have a seat, so at least I can eat." Uber selfish, I know.

BT shows up a little before 9:40PM. I kept thinking, "Denise, are late to everything, don't get upset. You work late too and things come up." THEN he said - I left work, went home to shower and change, and I just knew I didn't have enough time. WTF?!?!!? You f-ing left work late, knew you were going to be way more than 10 minutes late and you still went home to change? No. Not cool. The nice old man beside me, got up and gave the BT his chair. A part of me wishes he didn't do that once I learned he went home to shower. After 10 minutes, I cooled down, partly because I killed a bucket of Little Kings beer. It was an ok conversation. It feels like we are just scratching the surface with "what are your plans this weekend?" "how was work?" I can't tell you anything about where he grew up, if he has siblings, what he likes to do outside of bible study, etc. He did tell me that he was "super stressed about work" because he was planning this big event. His biggest stress: the food. Where on earth where they going to go to eat? Would these people like it? Oh, the stress. I had to hold myself back from not laughing. He had confirmed my thoughts: he is a secretary. You can wrap it in a pretty bow and say "marketing analyst / office manager" but at the end of the day dude, you are a secretary.

Then, the bill comes and he conveniently leaves to go to the bathroom. Ok, I usually would have no problem picking it up, but he was f-ing 40 minutes late. He came back and the bill just sat there. Obviously, needing to address the payment situation -  I offered to spilt it. He took me up on the offer and then goes into a whole conversation about his finances, which I didn't want to hear. It just became even more awkward after that.

We left and he offered to walk me home. We got to my door and he made the impression a lot of people make "you live here?" So, I felt like I had to prove that while it looks super shitty from the outside, it's actually a nice space. We went up and my roommates were still up. I asked if he wanted to see the view of the city from the roof. And yes, I admit - it was partly because I knew he wanted a MOP (make out party) and partly because I love the view. We made out and then he thought it would be a good idea to go to second base on the roof. It was super awkward with the fumbling of the bra and the overall awkwardness of it all, not to mention the denim cock thrusts. I was so over it. I could not wait for him to leave. But not one to throw in the towel, I said I needed to give him another chance.

Funny conversations between second and third dates:

Let me lay out the picture: Sunday afternoon. Me hungover, laying in bed, watching Intervention (best show ever) to make myself feel better about my life. Highly recommend this therapy by the way. My phone rings and it's BT.

Me: Hey - how's it going?
BT: GREAT! what are you up to?
Me: ugh, well just being lazy. What are you up to?
BT: Oh you know. I went to the gym this morning and then went to Church. After Church, a bunch of my church friends and I volunteered at the Soup Kitchen for a few hours and then we went to brunch.
Me: .....
He has done more today that I will most likely do all week. Definitely not going to work.

BT: Hey, how's it going?
Me: Great - just on my way to happy hour with friends. I am excited for some wine. What are you doing?
BT: On my way to Bible Study
Me: .....

Third AND Final Date
We decided to meet up last night for a comedy show and dinner. Great - I love comedy shows and food. He texted me earlier in the day asking if I could be back in the city by 6:30pm. I really wanted to go to the gym and shower beforehand, but I decided not to so we could make the 6:30 show. I said it would be close, but I would be there. He then said he could do a concert and my exact text was "let's do the 6:30 show and grab food after. How about sushi?" His response "sounds great. Call you at 5:30pm" Right at 5:30, he calls but I am in the work shuttle and don't feel like talking. I text him and say, " In the shuttle, can't talk but I will get there close to 6:30, depending on the traffic." His response, "I will be there at 6:40". I asked what time the show was and he said 6:30. I said "you're not going to make the show? is the show a no-go?" His response, "let's say no to the show. where can you meet?" WHERE CAN I F-ING MEET? I CAN MEET AT 6:30PM AT 28TH AND 8TH LIKE YOU F-ING SAID TO SEE A F-ING COMEDY SHOW! Ugh, I was so annoyed. I could have totally took the early shuttle home, went to the gym and then we could have met later had I known the show was a no-go. For the record, I was at 28th and 8th (the location of the comedy show) at 6:23PM. I really wanted to see a comedy show, so I was partly pissed that he cancelled that without warning and was late again. He left work at 5:30 TO GO HOME AND CHANGE. WTF. If you know you don't have time to do that, you don't go home. Simple.

He showed up to a bar I found at 28th and 8th at f-ing 7:05PM. I was so pissed. Not only did we miss the show, but he was 35 minutes late. Why on earth would he offer to go to a show at 6:30 if he couldn't make it? I work in f-ing NEW JERSEY and made it on time. He works a few blocks away and was 35 minutes late. I was so not happy. That's when I went into "I will say whatever the fuck I want" mood. He talked about how his friend is starting a bible study, but he thinks 2 bible studies and church in 1 week might be too time consuming. My response, "you really love Jesus, huh?" His, "yes, I love me some Jesus." Me, "oh, you have made that very clear." <insert awkward silence>. We then go to this sushi bar he picked out. It was an absolute hole. We sat down and it smelled like there was a dead fish on the table. This place reeked. I nearly gagged. He asked if I wanted to leave? No dip shit, let's sit here and smell dead fish. We then went to another spot and it was good. I asked more about where he lives and who he lives with and that's when he dropped a bomb. He lives with 4 people in a 3 bedroom apartment. I asked if they converted the living room into a bedroom. Oh no - BT and one of the guys actually share a room - straight up college style. What.The.Fuck. And then, he talked about work and it was a pretty stressful week. What is his stress this week? Journals. His boss ordered 2,000 journals and they had no place to store them - OH NO, the crisis! Where on earth would he put all these journals? He had to find hiding spots this week. WTF. He walked me home, tried to kiss me, I went in for a hug instead and that's where we left it. And that is how it all ended.

Needless to say, I have tried and the towel is tossed in. Charge on Jesus Solider. God Speed.

I find friendship to be like wine: raw when new, rippened with age



Good ol' Aviators


One thing that I love about living on the east coast - transportation via train. I can just hop on the train and in 3 hours, I can be in DC, Boston or someplace else that the train goes.

Last weekend, I decided to hop down to DC for the weekend to visit my high school buddy, David. I first met David at Willow Pool the summer between 8th and 9th grade. I will never forget, he had turquoise swim trunks. We were pretty close in high school: ran cross country and track together and he was my junior year prom date. I wore an awful light pink dress - I looked like an Easter egg. The summer after graduation was the last time we lived in the same city together. He went off to DC to GW for both undergrad and grad school. Yes, he is wicked smart. He stayed in DC after grad school and worked for Booz Allen. Now, he works for the Department of Justice, doing IT stuff :) I kid. We see each other from time to time, mostly around Christmas at this coffee shop in Vandalia. The last time we saw each other was last Christmas at this spot. We talk about once every other month (maybe longer) but when we do, I have to block off at least 2 hours for our catch up chats. My visit down DC was LONG over due. My last visit was in 2004. I am a bad friend.



First picture all weekend long
45 minutes before I left

 I finally arrived at David's after fighting for a cab the last 30 minutes. He came down to greet me because he is a gentleman like that and to be honest, I was a little surprised. David was all grown up - he looked different. My favorite kind of friend is the one where you could go months without talking or seeing them but when you do, it's like no time has passed at all. That's our kind of friendship and I love it. We talked and laughed for a long time. I love the ease of our conversation after all these years. Friday night, we went out for sushi and then headed out to the clubs. David loves clubs. He is a big fist pumper.

Saturday was the best day all weekend. We drove out to a winery in the Rocky Mountains in Virginia. It was about a hour and a half outside the city. It was in the middle of God's country. We were on a dirt/gravel road for 6.2 miles in the middle of Deliverance. It was a little sketchy. The best part, Marilyn (I named David's GPS) told us "arriving at destination" and all we saw was fields and cows. Marilyn was wrong, but after driving a little longer, we made it.

I love wine. LOVE it. It's like mothers milk. We did a wine tasting. This is where David pointed out that I am very opinionated. I know I am blunt but I guess I didn't realize just how much so. And turns out, I have an opinion on everything and I share it. Who knew :) We tasted 8 different wines: some yummy, some not so yummy. We then got a glass of white wine and relaxed on the deck. It was the best afternoon I have had in a long time. It was very peaceful. Good company, good conversation and a good glass of wine - 3 of my favorite things. Well, there was this "bug" situation. I could have done without that. I hate anything that flies. I especially hate bees. Actually, I just hate all bugs.



Makes me think of Forest Gump every time..

 We left my little tranquil heaven to head back into the city. We debated on stopping at Cracker Barrel for dinner. If I wasn't going to Ohio in a few weeks, we would have stopped. I love some down home cooking! We had another great dinner in the city and went to a hotel party, straight up high school style. Afterwards, we went to another club to celebrate one of his buddy's birthday, fist pumping and all. It was a good time - lots of free alcohol. Can't complain about that!

Sunday was another great day. After a little lunch, we walked around all the monuments and went to the "reflection" pool. It was a really nice day to walk around and soak in all the awesome sites that DC has to offer. It is such a pretty city. And it was nice to spend quality time with David. I hopped on the train bound for New York a little bummed. I wanted to spend more time in DC with David. Good thing it's only a quick train ride away - I hope that we don't let as much time come between our visits from now on.




Honest Abe



Where the Obamas call home..



WWII Memorial - a great site!

Dear New York: SHUT UP!

Aggressive Car Horn Honker

Now that it's finally Fall, I have been sleeping with my window open. I thought this would be nice since I can get some "fresh air".

Our windows face 45th Street. A lot of cars go down our road to go to the Lincoln Tunnel (Sam's Theory as to why our street always has traffic - I am starting to believe it). There is also a car service repair shop right below us. This means, cars will travel down our road all day long and that there are at any given time, 4-5 cars/cabs rolling into this repair shop. 

I didn't have the luxury of sleeping with my windows open in Chicago. I lived in my garden unit apartment and my bedroom window faced an ally. This is a new treat for me. But I CAN NOT SLEEP BECAUSE IT IS SO F-ING LOUD. As I type this, at least 3 horns have blown, I hear the cabbies below talking to the repair shop guys and the drilling needs to stop. There are also a lot of trucks - semi's and dumpster trucks. They are the worst. I personally love all the car alarms, especially at 4:30AM. Those are my favorite.

My life...

People keep telling me: "oh Denise, you will get used to it." I am not sure if there will ever come a time that I will sleep thru a car alarm, unless I have consumed a few glasses of wine. I can not become an alcoholic so I can sleep thru the night. I need to invest in some good earplugs "until I get used to this".  Hopefully I will hear my alarm with my earplugs.

High School Called: They Want You Back

Go Aviators

I had my first date from my nemesis, Match.com. It was as I expected: awful.

I have been trying to keep an open mind and not be as picky in the past. Well, that mentality didn't work out so well this go round.

So, I met this douchebag out for drinks. I tell you, drinks are the way to go. Dinner is way too much for a first date. That is too much of a commitment for the first encounter. Drinks are easy because if you don't like the person, you peace out after 1 drink. So, I sat down at the bar and ordered my Sam Adam's Oktoberfest. A guy came up to me and said, "Denise?" I was immediately disappointed. It really looked like he was wearing a toupee. Lesson number 1: never trust anyone that wears a hat in all their pictures. Another thing that annoys the hell out me is that people lie. They look NOTHING like their picture. Nothing. If your picture is more than 3 years old, you do not look like that anymore - let it go.

He was 38 and from Ohio. I said yes because 1) he was from Ohio and 2) well, if he is 38 there is a possibility of a sugar daddy.

Here are some sample questions from the date (no joke):
"What was your high school mascot?"
"What schools were in your high school conference". Note: I could only name Sidney, Piqua, Troy and West Carrollton. I completely missed Northmont, our arch rival, as well as other schools - Trotwood & Greenville.
"Were you a cheerleader in High School"
"What sports did you play in High School"

Now, don't get me wrong. I liked High School and all but I have done some pretty awesome things since graduating TEN YEARS AGO, ie. went to college, travelled the world, lived in Chicago & New York, etc. I don't think to ask people about their high school experience on the first date. In fact, it's REALLY creepy. Super creepy. He asked me if I was hungry and I said no, even though I was kind of starving because I had a gross lean cuisine beforehand. I ordered 1 more beer to be nice. He threw back at least 4 or 5 gin & tonics.

Now, I am the least graceful person with heels. I have a love/hate relationship with them. They look pretty but they KILL my feet. As we were leaving the bar, I guess he could sense I was having trouble and said I could "hold his arm for balance". I politely declined because I would rather fall on my face than touch him. We parted ways on the walk home because I did not want him to know where I lived. I do have some street smarts.

Needless to say, I will not be seeing him again. Ever.

"You Look Midwestern"

Wednesday is one of my favorite days of the week. Why? Because it's Beer Club night!

Beer Club is this glorious club started by Ms. Social Chair - Kalyn. Every Wednesday, a group of people meet at the same bar, same time and share laughs & beers. Once you drink 100 different beers, you then get a plaque on the wall with your name and the time frame it took you to complete. I started on May 19th and I am only at 25 beers. UGH. So many more yummy beers to explore! Sorry liver - hold strong.

Proof it's real:
http://www.georgekeeley.com/ordereze/Content/3/Summary.aspx

The reason for this post is 2 things:

1) I had the most delicious beer last night: Southern Tier Imperial Pumking Ale
 - You must try this beer. As the bartender accurately described it, "it's like a burst of Thanksgiving in your mouth."

2) I was told on 2 separate occasions that I look Midwestern. Which begs the question, how does one look "Midwestern"? Prior to beer club, I went for a run in Central Park, so I showed up looking all Sporty Spice. Apparently my running attire oozes Midwestern.
Dude: "You're not from around here are you?"
Me: "No, I moved here from Chicago, but I grew up in Ohio."
Dude: "Yeah, that's what I thought, you look Midwestern. It's ok, I grew up in Oklahoma."
Me: ..... ok?


That guy left our table and another one sat down. We bonded over our love for outdoor games like cornhole and beer pong. When I said I was from Ohio, he said "yeah, I could tell. You're definitely not from the Northeast." I asked how he could tell. He said it was because I loved "outdoor activities - like cornhole, lasso golf and beer pong." Apparently, people on the east coast don't enjoy these finer things in life. Their loss... I will keep my Midwestern ways.

The Pigeon Whisperer

There is a homeless woman that lives on our street. The fact that she lives there does not really bother me. Her 8 shopping carts (seriously, 8 shopping carts) filled with recyclables and garbage does not really bother me. At least she is a "green" homeless person and doing her part to improve the environment by recyclying. Don't get me wrong, I wish her and all her shit wasn't there, but I can somewhat deal with it.

However, she feeds the pigeons and this pisses me off more than words can say. I loathe birds. I hate anything that flies. I especially hate pigeons - they are rats with wings. Seriously, rats with effen wings. I once asked her (I was a little snarky), "CAN YOU PLEASE NOT FEED THE PIGEONS" and she started yelling at me, wailing her hands and feet, much like Chandler:

 click link ----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGeQJyMGOtM

She was yelling at me in Spanish, so I just quickly walked back to my apartment and then turned around, all tough now that I made it home, and threw up my arms and yelled "REALLY? REALLY?" and then quickly went inside because well, I am not going to lie, I was scared.

Pigeon = rats with wings

Today, she is back. People call the cops on her from time to time, she she shuffles her shit around a 3 block radius. And this morning, all of her shit was back on our street, oh happy joy. When I walked past her, she glared at me as she has every day since the arm and leg flaring incident. I then noticed that she was cutting up food for her pet pigeons - SHE HAS 2 PIGEONS SHE KEEPS IN CAGES. I repeat, she keeps not one but TWO pigeons in 2 cages, as pets. Pigeons as pets. WTF. Did I also mention she has 2 cats as well. Why does a homeless person need pets?





Match Maker, Match Maker, Make me a Match...

Guaranteed?  riiight.

After a few months, I have rejoined my nemesis: Match.com. Now, I have tried this in the past without any success. In fact, I have met some super weirdos. There was the excessive sweater, who would wipe his paper napkin on this forehead and leave tissue particles. Then, there was the guy that was out of touch with reality and informed me that my friends "chose to be gay and that it's a fad that they would grow out of eventually". This is also the same asshole that almost got us kicked out of comedy club because he was throwing napkins at the waitress. He was a real keeper. I threw in the towel after that one.

When I first moved here, I decided to give it another go as a way to meet some people. Enter, Cyclopes. Yes...I am probably being a little judgmental, but this dude was a jerk. He talked about all this money he had, his parents owned a minor league team, started his own business at 24 and is just "wildly" successful right now - and then wanted to go dutch when the bill came. Not cool. I think he was upset that I wasn't the pedigree he was looking for. We hugged, parted ways and never spoke again. Then, last month I noticed I got charged again from my frienemies at Match. So, since I am paying for the next 3 months - I am going to try to get my money's worth and go on a few dates.

This site never ceases to amaze me - I got the most bizarre email today. It's so good, that I have to share.

"Hey, I saw your profile and wanted to say a quick hi. I loved your profile. I am sure you would not be interested in someone like me (for reasons that are obvious when you read my profile..I am very different from most men) but I still wanted to say hello."

I was intrigued at what he was referring to as "obvious reasons" so I had to check it out. Here is what I found:

"I am tried of living my life in hiding, pretending not to be unusual, different, unique or even a freak. I have tried to adapt to our society that classifies people as either male or female, knowing that I am neither yet fully both. If you are confused, you may stop reading as I would not interest you. Per contra, if you are curious, then you may want to contact me. I am half man and also half woman. If this does not make sense to you, try walking in my shoes." It goes on but I am too bored to type up the rest.

Needless to say, I will be not be contacting him. Or is it her?

The Barneys Warehouse Sale Part II and Phone Fail

After the Barneys Sale, I made my way home to get dolled up to meet my new friend Hannah for dinner and drinks. I, of course, had to wear my new Manolo's. I paired them with my new purple dress and felt like a real New Yorker.

Interesting decor at Tortilla Flats

I met Hannah at Tortilla Flats in Meat Packing. This is the "fancy" part of town - this is the place to be seen, or at least I think so. We were just going to have a few drinks and then head to some place else. Well, come 3AM, we finally left. That's of course after we did body shots off the bartender. Why not do body shots? He didn't really want to because he was hairy, but at the time, it still sounded like a good idea. Note: earlier in the evening, I told Hannah about the sale and we agreed we would meet there the next morning at 10AM. Sounded like a solid plan at 9PM.

After Tortilla Flats, we made our way to the Brass Monkey. I vaguely remember anything from this bar. I do remember getting in a cab though and telling him to take me home. He informed me that he was not going there, so I asked him where we were going. Once I figured out that he meant he was not taking me home, I jumped out and had to practically walk to the east side, or at least it felt that way at 4:30AM, to catch another cab.

At 9AM, my alarm goes off and I am still tipsy from the night before. I fall back asleep and wake up to my phone ringing. I thought "who the hell is calling me this early." Hannah - to confirm we are still going. I said "hell yes" and jumped out of bed. I brushed my teeth, threw on some clothes, put my hair in a pony tail, left my makeup on from the night before and walked out the door sans purse. I wanted both hands free to shop. I met Hannah there at 11AM. I headed to the shoes again. Thankfully, this pair that I was eyeing the day before was still there!! God wanted me to have these shoes...

Lovely...

This little gossip girl tried them on the previous day and I loved them. She had them on with black tights and they just worked. I was thrilled to see them there the next morning. There were yet another brand I have not heard of, Loeffler Randall. But again, they came with a duster bag so I knew they must be good. They were originally $595 and I got them for $115. I am telling you, this place is heaven.

My perfect fall flats

We grabbed what felt like 10 pairs of shoes. I loved them all - LOVED them. But I did exercise some sense (see Sam - I can be good). I put them all back but this cute pair of gray flats. They were Barneys New York and were originally $110 and I got them for $20. Again, another great steal. I did have the shoe rack problem, but then realized we were close to Bed Bath and Beyond, so I decided to go there and get a bigger shoe rack.

We then scanned the clothes rack and I found a cute vest and short sleeve cardigan, together totaling $25. I decided to get these and call it a day. I was way too hungover to fight anymore for clothes or scan the racks. We decided to leave and grab lunch. From then, we planned out the rest of the day - lunch, TJ Max and Mani/Pedi's. We were almost successful. I forget the place where we had lunch, but it was yummy. We went to TJ Max and looked around. That's when my friend Kalyn texted me about the beer garden. She texted me earlier but I was still in my drunken haze. They were all at a beer garden in Astoria and well, that sounded WAY better than mani/pedi's. We finished up shopping, I ran down to get my new shoe rack and we cabbed it over to Queens.

This beer garden is amazing - it's ginormous for the city. All my favorite New Yorkers were there: Kalyn, Joe, Andrew, Leigh, Maia and Chris. Andrew and I were together and he introduced me to this awesome bunch. You will never have a bad time with these people! We got our pitchers of beer and drank the afternoon away! We played screw the dealer. Whenever Kalyn was the dealer, well, she got screwed. It was effen hilarious! Andrew decided I needed to drink more, so we also played the gauntlet. I lost every time, every time. The following event, is my next big fail...

Fail. Absolute fail.

Well, remember how I ran out without my purse? I just threw everything in my pockets: phone, ID, debit card and keys - what else do you really need? I was sitting on the picnic bench and my phone dropped out of my back pocket. I had lost so many times at the gauntlet, that I didn't realize it and some nice stranger picked it up and gave it to me. Then, where do I put it? Back in the same stupid pocket. Not even 10 minutes later, it drops out again, only this time shattering the screen. UGH - FAIL. Miraculously, it still works. But I didn't have a protective cover on my screen and I could feel the glass. Thankfully, Joe is so super kind and takes his off his phone and puts it on mine. After this, I knew it was time to go home. I left, with my broken phone, and hopped on the subway back home.

All in all - the day was fantastic, minus the broken phone. The good news is that: 1) it still works and 2) I am eligible for an up-grade so iPhone 4, here I come! Another 2 years of hell with AT&T but at least I will have a pretty phone :)

My new shoe rack with my prized possessions

The Barneys Warehouse Sale

There are a few things in a girl's life that are life changing - moving out on your own, falling in love, landing a great job and for me, going to The Barneys Warehouse Sale for the first time.

I have heard of this sale. There was an episode on Will and Grace where they go. I remember Grace fighting with this woman over a pair of shoes (one of many reasons I identify myself with her). I was VERY excited when I heard about it. Nathan and Sam went on Friday but did not ask me to go. We were getting these blinds installed that day and they just left which meant I had to wait around all day for them - I was not happy. That Friday night, I went out with Scott and Krz. We ended up hoping around to a few bars and it was a shit ton of fun.

That Saturday, I went for a little run in Central Park and then came back and got ready for the big sale. It was like the mother ship was calling me home. I made my way to Chelsea. I checked my bag at the door and made my way to the shoes. I LOVE shoes. LOVE them. I kept looking at the prices and I was super disappointed. There wasn't any great deals. Then, I saw the sign that changed everything. I somehow missed the big sign that said "all shoes with blue stickers 75% off, everything else 50%". I had to ask one of the girls to make sure this was correct and she confirmed the % was off the most reduced price. Jackpot.

My first pair - but not my last!

I found a pair of Manolo's. I kind of got chills and a huge smile came over my face. They were these cute gold strappy shoes - shoes that would go with EVERYTHING. I was in love. They were originally $815 and I got them for $120. Now, that's a deal! I love these shoes...I don't love them for $815 but I love them for $120. I now feel like a real New York Girl with my Manolo's!

Love these!!

Next, I went for a pair of Jean-Michel Cazabat. Have I ever heard of this designer before? No. But they did come with a duster bag, so you know they must be an expensive. And the shoes...the shoes were ADORABLE! They were originally $495 and I got them for $50!! AMAZING! When I see the original prices, it makes me feel like I am getting a real deal. They were maroon and I already started planning out my outfit for them - skinny black jeans and a grey poncho sweater. I have none of these things by the way...

Next, I went for a "staple" pair of shoes. A very simple, gold / pinkish heel by Barney Co-Op. They were originally $400 and I got them for $20 - that's it!! How freaking amazing is that?! I wanted more shoes but knew I should stop. I didn't have a big enough shoe rack as it is, so 3 was plenty.

I then made my way to the jeans. All the jeans were 75% the lowest price. We're talking J-Brand, Citizens, William Rast, Sevens, Hudsons - all for around $20. I mean - it's like I died and gone to jeans heaven. Now, I have about 25 pairs of jeans. Jeans are a close second to shoes for me. I wear jeans every day. I found a few pairs and made my way to the "dressing room" and by dressing room, I mean a section of the store where women were just dropping their clothes. Per usual, the J-Brands fit like a glove. They are this super cute pair of light gray ankle jeans. I LOVE them. And there were only $15 - can't beat that if you try.

By this time, the store was closing and a little part of me was dying on the inside. I did not want to stop. I didn't even make my way to the clothes yet. I had already decided in my mind that I was coming back tomorrow. On my way to the cashier, I saw this purple, one shoulder dress. It was all alone, so I went over to check it out. It was another designer I have never heard of, Mason. It was my size but I wasn't allowed to try it on. I took a chance. It was originally $380 and I got it for $38 - that's it! AMAZING!

I made my way to the check out and literally felt like I was robbing them...they rang me up and I just smiled. I felt like I truly got some great deals and I knew I had to come back early the next day.

The Hamburger and the Hamburglar

One of the reasons I love being back on the east coast is that I am closer to my college roommate, Sara, who lives in good ol' Connecticut. Actually, let me clarify - the first time I lived here on the east coast, I did not love it. In fact, I hated it. I lived in New Haven, CT and we nicknamed Connecticut "the state that is close to everything else." I am happy to be back on the east coast living in NYC...I think I would slit my wrists if I had to live in Connecticut again.

My friend, Jenny, sent me and Nathan a link to the Great Urban Race (GRU - http://www.greaturbanrace.com/)  Her and John signed up for it and said it looked like a lot of fun. It indeed looked like a lot of fun. I talked Sara into doing it with me. Basically the GUR is teams of 2 running around a city on a scavenger hunt. They have this "race" in cities all over the US. If one is near you, I highly recommend it. There is also this other city race called "City Chase". Nathan and Bryon did the City Chase in Chicago. They LOVED it and had all these great stories about stuff they did - strip bowling, swimming laps in a pool, eating gross foods and figuring out puzzles to take you to your next challenge. I thought I was signing up for this and not the scavenger hunt. Fail.

I noticed on the website that you can win prizes for best costume. The winning costume in San Fran was a couple dressed up as Ketchup and Mustard. Weak. I knew I could top that easily. I was racking my brain on something creative and thought of the hamburger and hambuglar (I have no idea where it came from by the way). I did a quick search on hamburger costumes and found that Old Navy carried hamburger costumes for children. At that point, it was on - I didn't have a lot of time to make a hamburger costume, but I knew I could get creative with this child's costume. I ran the idea by Sara and she loved it. Mind you, Sara is a vegetarian so it was a bit humorous that she was supposed to be the one chasing after meat.

What should have been the winning costume

I went to the Old Navy here and found my little gem. The only thing was that the largest size they had was a toddlers 2T/3T. I know what you're thinking - how the hell does a 28 year old adult fit into a costume made for a 2 yr old. Great question - I had no idea how I was going to make it work when I bought it either, but somehow, I would get it to work. I got it home and cut off the sleeves and silt the sides all the way down and made it a shirt (it's supposed to fit head to toe on a child...on me, it barely covered my boobs). I had a brown tank and bought some green shorts and tada - it worked. Sara did a great job pulling off the Hambuglar as well. She got a stripped shirt, the mask, red tie and she found a hat to fit her head (this is an amazing find - she has big brains)! I thought we looked awesome and we had this in the bag.

We made our way to the Boat Basin for the starting line. Along the way, I saw some people dressed up so I knew we had competition. Again, I still thought we had this...

The place we wasted an hour trying to find

The race started at noon and we were handed our clues. You got 13 clues and you had to take pictures of places. I am not going to lie - I am competitive, so I told Sara that we needed to beat Jenny and John. That was the worst idea ever - they are way smarter than me. We were able to figure most of everything out except this clue. We had to take a picture of this clock and I had no clue where it was and neither did the strangers on the streets. It took us over an hour to find this damn clock. Finally, some homeless looking woman told us it was The Fuller Building. Even then, I led us in the wrong direction. We were able to map everything else out and knew we would finish in the 4 hour time limit. The night before, we thought we had a fighting chance on winning the thing, ha. On our 10th clue, we ran into Jenny and John sitting at the bar drinking beer and eating burgers. They were done. My plan completely back fired. And looking back, why the hell did I want to beat them? What was I going to get for it? Nothing. We finished and made it back to the finish line. However, all along the way, I kept thinking to myself "this is way different than what Nathan did - where are all the challenges and clues to the next place."

Bananas in Pajamas

Upon our arrival back at the boat basin, we entered the costume contest, but I knew we had some stiff competition. There were bananas in pajamas. Peanut Butter Jelly Time. The Mario Kart Gang. Yeah, it wasn't looking good at this point. You had to parade on the stage and then when it came your turn, you had to talk to everyone and "sell" your costume. I hate talking in front of crowds so needless to say, I didn't sell it. We didn't even make the top 10 - but we should have! Afterwards, we had to book it home because Nathan and I were meeting Jenny and John for a boat cruise.

Lady Liberty

Sara caught the train back to CT and Nathan & I went to meet Jenny & John. The best part was that Jenny's college friend was there with one of her gay guy friends from Chicago. Nathan knew him, of course. Haha - still makes me laugh. I went to the bar with Nathan and that's when he said he knew him from Chicago and he tried to make out with him last Pride but the guy had a boyfriend. The table was talking about the same thing as soon as we got up. Small freaking world! The boat cruise ended up being fantastic! There was an Irish Band but we didn't listen to them too much. The boat went out to The Statue of Liberty and then back to the pier. It was great views of Ms. Liberty and the city. After the boat cruise, we came back to our place and hung out on the roof and drank with our neighbors who are all 21. Overall - great weekend!

We had to both High 5 a person in uniform

Jenny, John, Me and Sara
Note: Jenny and John were lame - no costumes.

We had to pretend to dive into a fountain.
Sara has poor form.

The winning costume. Really?

Baked Ziti Fail

heaven in my mouth...

I am not sure what came over me (perhaps my previous post inspired me), but I thought it would be a good idea to attempt making a meal of food. Well, let's just say hindsight is 20/20.

I felt super ambitious yesterday and looked up a recipe for baked ziti. Now, the only baked ziti I have had in my life is from Fazoli's, which was heaven in my mouth. In my research efforts, I was good - I researched recipes on good ol' weight watchers, printed off the recipe and went to the store around the corner. I purchased all my ingredients except for spices. Why the hell are spices so expensive? Did all the spice manufacturers get together and decide they would all jack up the prices? It's dried leaves for crying out loud. No, I will not pay $6.00 for this tiny jar. Time to get creative. Ah, the "Mediterranean Spice" made of oregano, rosemary and "other spices". Good enough. Mind you the recipe called for Basil, Oregano, Fennel Seeds and Thyme. I thought this Mediterranean mixture would be suffice. By the way, fennel seeds - what the hell is that?

I followed the directions but somehow miss the most important part: cooking the noodles. I browned the meat, chopped up the onion and pepper, added my "Mediterranean spice" and tomatoes. I then just dumped in the box of uncooked noodles. Nathan asked me a few times if I needed to cook them. I reassured him no, the directions didn't call for cooked noodles (or so I thought). I dumped some cheese on top and threw my concoction in the over. I pulled it out 20 minutes later and well, it looked strange. It was supposed to be bubbling at this point. Mine was dry as a bone. Hmmmm. I then look over these jacked up directions and see my mistake. Listed as an ingredient: "12oz uncooked whole-wheat pasta, ziti, cooked according to package directions". I stopped reading after "ziti". I skipped the 5 most important words. Fail.

Well, I just added water, threw it back in the oven and prayed for the best. Well, let's just say no one was running up for seconds. I just doused mine in this mysterious Mediterranean Spice and it was edible, mainly because I was so damn hungry. Lesson Learned: must read all parts of the ingredients and directions.

Proof I am an idiot...here is my failed recipe:
Ingredients
3/4 pound(s) raw turkey sausage, casings removed
1 medium onion(s), chopped
1 medium green pepper(s), chopped
28 oz canned diced tomatoes
2 Tbsp canned tomato paste
1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp dried basil
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1/2 tsp fennel seed
1/2 tsp table salt, or to taste
1/2 tsp black pepper, freshly ground
12 oz uncooked whole-wheat pasta, ziti, cooked according to package directions
6 oz shredded fat-free mozzarella cheese

Instructions
• Position the rack in the center of the oven and preheat the oven to 350°F.

• Crumble the sausage meat into a large saucepan and brown over medium heat, stirring often, about 4 minutes.

• Drain off any fat, then add the onion and bell pepper. Cook, stirring often, until softened, about 3 minutes.

• Stir in the tomatoes, tomato paste, oregano, basil, thyme, fennel seeds, salt and pepper. Bring to a simmer, then reduce the heat and cook uncovered 5 minutes, stirring often.

• Stir in the pasta (Note: it doesn't say "cooked" pasta) and half the grated cheese. Spread evenly into a 9- X 13-inch baking pan. Top evenly with the remaining cheese.

• Bake until the cheese has melted and the casserole is bubbling, about 20 minutes. Let stand 10 minutes at room temperature before slicing into 8 pieces and then serve.

Not all pots are created equal

Since moving in with the boys, I have learned a few things, mostly surrounding the dishwasher.

I know all pots are not created equal but what I did not know is that not all pots can be washed via the dishwasher. I mean, there is a pots and pans setting, so I don't get it. But then again, the last set of pots and pans I owned was from college which were purchased at a garage sale and my dishwasher in Chicago was named Denise (she did a hell of a job, by the way). Nathan informed me that the cheaper pans are dishwasher friendly. These have circles on the bottom of them; therefore, Denise will only use pans with said circles when boiling water - that's all the cooking this girl can handle. I make mean spaghetti noddles.

Another fun fact about these fancy pots - they can not be friends with forks, knives, spoons or anything else made of metal. It scraps off the fancy protective stuff. Explains a lot now. I always wondered why mine looked like shit. I was not aware of this no metal rule.

I think these helpful tips and tricks will make me a better housewife, someday. Now that I know how to clean these pans, I only have to learn how to cook in them. Baby steps...baby steps.