Dear New York: SHUT UP!

Aggressive Car Horn Honker

Now that it's finally Fall, I have been sleeping with my window open. I thought this would be nice since I can get some "fresh air".

Our windows face 45th Street. A lot of cars go down our road to go to the Lincoln Tunnel (Sam's Theory as to why our street always has traffic - I am starting to believe it). There is also a car service repair shop right below us. This means, cars will travel down our road all day long and that there are at any given time, 4-5 cars/cabs rolling into this repair shop. 

I didn't have the luxury of sleeping with my windows open in Chicago. I lived in my garden unit apartment and my bedroom window faced an ally. This is a new treat for me. But I CAN NOT SLEEP BECAUSE IT IS SO F-ING LOUD. As I type this, at least 3 horns have blown, I hear the cabbies below talking to the repair shop guys and the drilling needs to stop. There are also a lot of trucks - semi's and dumpster trucks. They are the worst. I personally love all the car alarms, especially at 4:30AM. Those are my favorite.

My life...

People keep telling me: "oh Denise, you will get used to it." I am not sure if there will ever come a time that I will sleep thru a car alarm, unless I have consumed a few glasses of wine. I can not become an alcoholic so I can sleep thru the night. I need to invest in some good earplugs "until I get used to this".  Hopefully I will hear my alarm with my earplugs.

High School Called: They Want You Back

Go Aviators

I had my first date from my nemesis, Match.com. It was as I expected: awful.

I have been trying to keep an open mind and not be as picky in the past. Well, that mentality didn't work out so well this go round.

So, I met this douchebag out for drinks. I tell you, drinks are the way to go. Dinner is way too much for a first date. That is too much of a commitment for the first encounter. Drinks are easy because if you don't like the person, you peace out after 1 drink. So, I sat down at the bar and ordered my Sam Adam's Oktoberfest. A guy came up to me and said, "Denise?" I was immediately disappointed. It really looked like he was wearing a toupee. Lesson number 1: never trust anyone that wears a hat in all their pictures. Another thing that annoys the hell out me is that people lie. They look NOTHING like their picture. Nothing. If your picture is more than 3 years old, you do not look like that anymore - let it go.

He was 38 and from Ohio. I said yes because 1) he was from Ohio and 2) well, if he is 38 there is a possibility of a sugar daddy.

Here are some sample questions from the date (no joke):
"What was your high school mascot?"
"What schools were in your high school conference". Note: I could only name Sidney, Piqua, Troy and West Carrollton. I completely missed Northmont, our arch rival, as well as other schools - Trotwood & Greenville.
"Were you a cheerleader in High School"
"What sports did you play in High School"

Now, don't get me wrong. I liked High School and all but I have done some pretty awesome things since graduating TEN YEARS AGO, ie. went to college, travelled the world, lived in Chicago & New York, etc. I don't think to ask people about their high school experience on the first date. In fact, it's REALLY creepy. Super creepy. He asked me if I was hungry and I said no, even though I was kind of starving because I had a gross lean cuisine beforehand. I ordered 1 more beer to be nice. He threw back at least 4 or 5 gin & tonics.

Now, I am the least graceful person with heels. I have a love/hate relationship with them. They look pretty but they KILL my feet. As we were leaving the bar, I guess he could sense I was having trouble and said I could "hold his arm for balance". I politely declined because I would rather fall on my face than touch him. We parted ways on the walk home because I did not want him to know where I lived. I do have some street smarts.

Needless to say, I will not be seeing him again. Ever.

"You Look Midwestern"

Wednesday is one of my favorite days of the week. Why? Because it's Beer Club night!

Beer Club is this glorious club started by Ms. Social Chair - Kalyn. Every Wednesday, a group of people meet at the same bar, same time and share laughs & beers. Once you drink 100 different beers, you then get a plaque on the wall with your name and the time frame it took you to complete. I started on May 19th and I am only at 25 beers. UGH. So many more yummy beers to explore! Sorry liver - hold strong.

Proof it's real:
http://www.georgekeeley.com/ordereze/Content/3/Summary.aspx

The reason for this post is 2 things:

1) I had the most delicious beer last night: Southern Tier Imperial Pumking Ale
 - You must try this beer. As the bartender accurately described it, "it's like a burst of Thanksgiving in your mouth."

2) I was told on 2 separate occasions that I look Midwestern. Which begs the question, how does one look "Midwestern"? Prior to beer club, I went for a run in Central Park, so I showed up looking all Sporty Spice. Apparently my running attire oozes Midwestern.
Dude: "You're not from around here are you?"
Me: "No, I moved here from Chicago, but I grew up in Ohio."
Dude: "Yeah, that's what I thought, you look Midwestern. It's ok, I grew up in Oklahoma."
Me: ..... ok?


That guy left our table and another one sat down. We bonded over our love for outdoor games like cornhole and beer pong. When I said I was from Ohio, he said "yeah, I could tell. You're definitely not from the Northeast." I asked how he could tell. He said it was because I loved "outdoor activities - like cornhole, lasso golf and beer pong." Apparently, people on the east coast don't enjoy these finer things in life. Their loss... I will keep my Midwestern ways.

The Pigeon Whisperer

There is a homeless woman that lives on our street. The fact that she lives there does not really bother me. Her 8 shopping carts (seriously, 8 shopping carts) filled with recyclables and garbage does not really bother me. At least she is a "green" homeless person and doing her part to improve the environment by recyclying. Don't get me wrong, I wish her and all her shit wasn't there, but I can somewhat deal with it.

However, she feeds the pigeons and this pisses me off more than words can say. I loathe birds. I hate anything that flies. I especially hate pigeons - they are rats with wings. Seriously, rats with effen wings. I once asked her (I was a little snarky), "CAN YOU PLEASE NOT FEED THE PIGEONS" and she started yelling at me, wailing her hands and feet, much like Chandler:

 click link ----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGeQJyMGOtM

She was yelling at me in Spanish, so I just quickly walked back to my apartment and then turned around, all tough now that I made it home, and threw up my arms and yelled "REALLY? REALLY?" and then quickly went inside because well, I am not going to lie, I was scared.

Pigeon = rats with wings

Today, she is back. People call the cops on her from time to time, she she shuffles her shit around a 3 block radius. And this morning, all of her shit was back on our street, oh happy joy. When I walked past her, she glared at me as she has every day since the arm and leg flaring incident. I then noticed that she was cutting up food for her pet pigeons - SHE HAS 2 PIGEONS SHE KEEPS IN CAGES. I repeat, she keeps not one but TWO pigeons in 2 cages, as pets. Pigeons as pets. WTF. Did I also mention she has 2 cats as well. Why does a homeless person need pets?





Match Maker, Match Maker, Make me a Match...

Guaranteed?  riiight.

After a few months, I have rejoined my nemesis: Match.com. Now, I have tried this in the past without any success. In fact, I have met some super weirdos. There was the excessive sweater, who would wipe his paper napkin on this forehead and leave tissue particles. Then, there was the guy that was out of touch with reality and informed me that my friends "chose to be gay and that it's a fad that they would grow out of eventually". This is also the same asshole that almost got us kicked out of comedy club because he was throwing napkins at the waitress. He was a real keeper. I threw in the towel after that one.

When I first moved here, I decided to give it another go as a way to meet some people. Enter, Cyclopes. Yes...I am probably being a little judgmental, but this dude was a jerk. He talked about all this money he had, his parents owned a minor league team, started his own business at 24 and is just "wildly" successful right now - and then wanted to go dutch when the bill came. Not cool. I think he was upset that I wasn't the pedigree he was looking for. We hugged, parted ways and never spoke again. Then, last month I noticed I got charged again from my frienemies at Match. So, since I am paying for the next 3 months - I am going to try to get my money's worth and go on a few dates.

This site never ceases to amaze me - I got the most bizarre email today. It's so good, that I have to share.

"Hey, I saw your profile and wanted to say a quick hi. I loved your profile. I am sure you would not be interested in someone like me (for reasons that are obvious when you read my profile..I am very different from most men) but I still wanted to say hello."

I was intrigued at what he was referring to as "obvious reasons" so I had to check it out. Here is what I found:

"I am tried of living my life in hiding, pretending not to be unusual, different, unique or even a freak. I have tried to adapt to our society that classifies people as either male or female, knowing that I am neither yet fully both. If you are confused, you may stop reading as I would not interest you. Per contra, if you are curious, then you may want to contact me. I am half man and also half woman. If this does not make sense to you, try walking in my shoes." It goes on but I am too bored to type up the rest.

Needless to say, I will be not be contacting him. Or is it her?

The Barneys Warehouse Sale Part II and Phone Fail

After the Barneys Sale, I made my way home to get dolled up to meet my new friend Hannah for dinner and drinks. I, of course, had to wear my new Manolo's. I paired them with my new purple dress and felt like a real New Yorker.

Interesting decor at Tortilla Flats

I met Hannah at Tortilla Flats in Meat Packing. This is the "fancy" part of town - this is the place to be seen, or at least I think so. We were just going to have a few drinks and then head to some place else. Well, come 3AM, we finally left. That's of course after we did body shots off the bartender. Why not do body shots? He didn't really want to because he was hairy, but at the time, it still sounded like a good idea. Note: earlier in the evening, I told Hannah about the sale and we agreed we would meet there the next morning at 10AM. Sounded like a solid plan at 9PM.

After Tortilla Flats, we made our way to the Brass Monkey. I vaguely remember anything from this bar. I do remember getting in a cab though and telling him to take me home. He informed me that he was not going there, so I asked him where we were going. Once I figured out that he meant he was not taking me home, I jumped out and had to practically walk to the east side, or at least it felt that way at 4:30AM, to catch another cab.

At 9AM, my alarm goes off and I am still tipsy from the night before. I fall back asleep and wake up to my phone ringing. I thought "who the hell is calling me this early." Hannah - to confirm we are still going. I said "hell yes" and jumped out of bed. I brushed my teeth, threw on some clothes, put my hair in a pony tail, left my makeup on from the night before and walked out the door sans purse. I wanted both hands free to shop. I met Hannah there at 11AM. I headed to the shoes again. Thankfully, this pair that I was eyeing the day before was still there!! God wanted me to have these shoes...

Lovely...

This little gossip girl tried them on the previous day and I loved them. She had them on with black tights and they just worked. I was thrilled to see them there the next morning. There were yet another brand I have not heard of, Loeffler Randall. But again, they came with a duster bag so I knew they must be good. They were originally $595 and I got them for $115. I am telling you, this place is heaven.

My perfect fall flats

We grabbed what felt like 10 pairs of shoes. I loved them all - LOVED them. But I did exercise some sense (see Sam - I can be good). I put them all back but this cute pair of gray flats. They were Barneys New York and were originally $110 and I got them for $20. Again, another great steal. I did have the shoe rack problem, but then realized we were close to Bed Bath and Beyond, so I decided to go there and get a bigger shoe rack.

We then scanned the clothes rack and I found a cute vest and short sleeve cardigan, together totaling $25. I decided to get these and call it a day. I was way too hungover to fight anymore for clothes or scan the racks. We decided to leave and grab lunch. From then, we planned out the rest of the day - lunch, TJ Max and Mani/Pedi's. We were almost successful. I forget the place where we had lunch, but it was yummy. We went to TJ Max and looked around. That's when my friend Kalyn texted me about the beer garden. She texted me earlier but I was still in my drunken haze. They were all at a beer garden in Astoria and well, that sounded WAY better than mani/pedi's. We finished up shopping, I ran down to get my new shoe rack and we cabbed it over to Queens.

This beer garden is amazing - it's ginormous for the city. All my favorite New Yorkers were there: Kalyn, Joe, Andrew, Leigh, Maia and Chris. Andrew and I were together and he introduced me to this awesome bunch. You will never have a bad time with these people! We got our pitchers of beer and drank the afternoon away! We played screw the dealer. Whenever Kalyn was the dealer, well, she got screwed. It was effen hilarious! Andrew decided I needed to drink more, so we also played the gauntlet. I lost every time, every time. The following event, is my next big fail...

Fail. Absolute fail.

Well, remember how I ran out without my purse? I just threw everything in my pockets: phone, ID, debit card and keys - what else do you really need? I was sitting on the picnic bench and my phone dropped out of my back pocket. I had lost so many times at the gauntlet, that I didn't realize it and some nice stranger picked it up and gave it to me. Then, where do I put it? Back in the same stupid pocket. Not even 10 minutes later, it drops out again, only this time shattering the screen. UGH - FAIL. Miraculously, it still works. But I didn't have a protective cover on my screen and I could feel the glass. Thankfully, Joe is so super kind and takes his off his phone and puts it on mine. After this, I knew it was time to go home. I left, with my broken phone, and hopped on the subway back home.

All in all - the day was fantastic, minus the broken phone. The good news is that: 1) it still works and 2) I am eligible for an up-grade so iPhone 4, here I come! Another 2 years of hell with AT&T but at least I will have a pretty phone :)

My new shoe rack with my prized possessions

The Barneys Warehouse Sale

There are a few things in a girl's life that are life changing - moving out on your own, falling in love, landing a great job and for me, going to The Barneys Warehouse Sale for the first time.

I have heard of this sale. There was an episode on Will and Grace where they go. I remember Grace fighting with this woman over a pair of shoes (one of many reasons I identify myself with her). I was VERY excited when I heard about it. Nathan and Sam went on Friday but did not ask me to go. We were getting these blinds installed that day and they just left which meant I had to wait around all day for them - I was not happy. That Friday night, I went out with Scott and Krz. We ended up hoping around to a few bars and it was a shit ton of fun.

That Saturday, I went for a little run in Central Park and then came back and got ready for the big sale. It was like the mother ship was calling me home. I made my way to Chelsea. I checked my bag at the door and made my way to the shoes. I LOVE shoes. LOVE them. I kept looking at the prices and I was super disappointed. There wasn't any great deals. Then, I saw the sign that changed everything. I somehow missed the big sign that said "all shoes with blue stickers 75% off, everything else 50%". I had to ask one of the girls to make sure this was correct and she confirmed the % was off the most reduced price. Jackpot.

My first pair - but not my last!

I found a pair of Manolo's. I kind of got chills and a huge smile came over my face. They were these cute gold strappy shoes - shoes that would go with EVERYTHING. I was in love. They were originally $815 and I got them for $120. Now, that's a deal! I love these shoes...I don't love them for $815 but I love them for $120. I now feel like a real New York Girl with my Manolo's!

Love these!!

Next, I went for a pair of Jean-Michel Cazabat. Have I ever heard of this designer before? No. But they did come with a duster bag, so you know they must be an expensive. And the shoes...the shoes were ADORABLE! They were originally $495 and I got them for $50!! AMAZING! When I see the original prices, it makes me feel like I am getting a real deal. They were maroon and I already started planning out my outfit for them - skinny black jeans and a grey poncho sweater. I have none of these things by the way...

Next, I went for a "staple" pair of shoes. A very simple, gold / pinkish heel by Barney Co-Op. They were originally $400 and I got them for $20 - that's it!! How freaking amazing is that?! I wanted more shoes but knew I should stop. I didn't have a big enough shoe rack as it is, so 3 was plenty.

I then made my way to the jeans. All the jeans were 75% the lowest price. We're talking J-Brand, Citizens, William Rast, Sevens, Hudsons - all for around $20. I mean - it's like I died and gone to jeans heaven. Now, I have about 25 pairs of jeans. Jeans are a close second to shoes for me. I wear jeans every day. I found a few pairs and made my way to the "dressing room" and by dressing room, I mean a section of the store where women were just dropping their clothes. Per usual, the J-Brands fit like a glove. They are this super cute pair of light gray ankle jeans. I LOVE them. And there were only $15 - can't beat that if you try.

By this time, the store was closing and a little part of me was dying on the inside. I did not want to stop. I didn't even make my way to the clothes yet. I had already decided in my mind that I was coming back tomorrow. On my way to the cashier, I saw this purple, one shoulder dress. It was all alone, so I went over to check it out. It was another designer I have never heard of, Mason. It was my size but I wasn't allowed to try it on. I took a chance. It was originally $380 and I got it for $38 - that's it! AMAZING!

I made my way to the check out and literally felt like I was robbing them...they rang me up and I just smiled. I felt like I truly got some great deals and I knew I had to come back early the next day.

The Hamburger and the Hamburglar

One of the reasons I love being back on the east coast is that I am closer to my college roommate, Sara, who lives in good ol' Connecticut. Actually, let me clarify - the first time I lived here on the east coast, I did not love it. In fact, I hated it. I lived in New Haven, CT and we nicknamed Connecticut "the state that is close to everything else." I am happy to be back on the east coast living in NYC...I think I would slit my wrists if I had to live in Connecticut again.

My friend, Jenny, sent me and Nathan a link to the Great Urban Race (GRU - http://www.greaturbanrace.com/)  Her and John signed up for it and said it looked like a lot of fun. It indeed looked like a lot of fun. I talked Sara into doing it with me. Basically the GUR is teams of 2 running around a city on a scavenger hunt. They have this "race" in cities all over the US. If one is near you, I highly recommend it. There is also this other city race called "City Chase". Nathan and Bryon did the City Chase in Chicago. They LOVED it and had all these great stories about stuff they did - strip bowling, swimming laps in a pool, eating gross foods and figuring out puzzles to take you to your next challenge. I thought I was signing up for this and not the scavenger hunt. Fail.

I noticed on the website that you can win prizes for best costume. The winning costume in San Fran was a couple dressed up as Ketchup and Mustard. Weak. I knew I could top that easily. I was racking my brain on something creative and thought of the hamburger and hambuglar (I have no idea where it came from by the way). I did a quick search on hamburger costumes and found that Old Navy carried hamburger costumes for children. At that point, it was on - I didn't have a lot of time to make a hamburger costume, but I knew I could get creative with this child's costume. I ran the idea by Sara and she loved it. Mind you, Sara is a vegetarian so it was a bit humorous that she was supposed to be the one chasing after meat.

What should have been the winning costume

I went to the Old Navy here and found my little gem. The only thing was that the largest size they had was a toddlers 2T/3T. I know what you're thinking - how the hell does a 28 year old adult fit into a costume made for a 2 yr old. Great question - I had no idea how I was going to make it work when I bought it either, but somehow, I would get it to work. I got it home and cut off the sleeves and silt the sides all the way down and made it a shirt (it's supposed to fit head to toe on a child...on me, it barely covered my boobs). I had a brown tank and bought some green shorts and tada - it worked. Sara did a great job pulling off the Hambuglar as well. She got a stripped shirt, the mask, red tie and she found a hat to fit her head (this is an amazing find - she has big brains)! I thought we looked awesome and we had this in the bag.

We made our way to the Boat Basin for the starting line. Along the way, I saw some people dressed up so I knew we had competition. Again, I still thought we had this...

The place we wasted an hour trying to find

The race started at noon and we were handed our clues. You got 13 clues and you had to take pictures of places. I am not going to lie - I am competitive, so I told Sara that we needed to beat Jenny and John. That was the worst idea ever - they are way smarter than me. We were able to figure most of everything out except this clue. We had to take a picture of this clock and I had no clue where it was and neither did the strangers on the streets. It took us over an hour to find this damn clock. Finally, some homeless looking woman told us it was The Fuller Building. Even then, I led us in the wrong direction. We were able to map everything else out and knew we would finish in the 4 hour time limit. The night before, we thought we had a fighting chance on winning the thing, ha. On our 10th clue, we ran into Jenny and John sitting at the bar drinking beer and eating burgers. They were done. My plan completely back fired. And looking back, why the hell did I want to beat them? What was I going to get for it? Nothing. We finished and made it back to the finish line. However, all along the way, I kept thinking to myself "this is way different than what Nathan did - where are all the challenges and clues to the next place."

Bananas in Pajamas

Upon our arrival back at the boat basin, we entered the costume contest, but I knew we had some stiff competition. There were bananas in pajamas. Peanut Butter Jelly Time. The Mario Kart Gang. Yeah, it wasn't looking good at this point. You had to parade on the stage and then when it came your turn, you had to talk to everyone and "sell" your costume. I hate talking in front of crowds so needless to say, I didn't sell it. We didn't even make the top 10 - but we should have! Afterwards, we had to book it home because Nathan and I were meeting Jenny and John for a boat cruise.

Lady Liberty

Sara caught the train back to CT and Nathan & I went to meet Jenny & John. The best part was that Jenny's college friend was there with one of her gay guy friends from Chicago. Nathan knew him, of course. Haha - still makes me laugh. I went to the bar with Nathan and that's when he said he knew him from Chicago and he tried to make out with him last Pride but the guy had a boyfriend. The table was talking about the same thing as soon as we got up. Small freaking world! The boat cruise ended up being fantastic! There was an Irish Band but we didn't listen to them too much. The boat went out to The Statue of Liberty and then back to the pier. It was great views of Ms. Liberty and the city. After the boat cruise, we came back to our place and hung out on the roof and drank with our neighbors who are all 21. Overall - great weekend!

We had to both High 5 a person in uniform

Jenny, John, Me and Sara
Note: Jenny and John were lame - no costumes.

We had to pretend to dive into a fountain.
Sara has poor form.

The winning costume. Really?