Charles Shaw > Fitness

In a follow up to my previous post, I figured I would elaborate more on how things went down between me and “Crazy”. How this disastrous relationship ended is, in my opinion, one of greatest breakup stories ever. I am so fortunate that it happened to me.

The Sets Addicts, season II (no Crazy)

It was the winter of 2009. As mentioned earlier, I met Crazy on my gay volleyball team, The Sets Addicts. We were a classy bunch. When I first met Crazy, I thought he was gay. No joke. We all went out to brunch after the game and he was chatting me up. I just thought this new gay guy on the team was really friendly. Gay guys usually love me – I am a mess, anyone gay or straight, loves a hot mess (except when dating, then it’s not cute).  Turns out, he was a bigger mess than me. 2 messes don't make a right. When he asked for my number, I was a little thrown off, but didn’t think too much of it.  If he wanted to meet for a drink at Show Tunes Monday or see the drag show at Kit Kat, I would be down. I already lived at these bars anyway. When our mutual friend on the team, Z, told me he was straight, it blew my mind. I decided I would play along.

Shortly after, I met Crazy at a bar to watch a Clemson basketball game, his Alma Mater. He wasn’t drinking. I didn’t know that someone could watch a sporting event sans beer. They go hand in hand. He told me he got into a little trouble and gave it up, but was TOTALLY ok with the fact that I drank. I should have known this would come back to haunt me. We began full on dating and we boxed it in very soon. Like I said, it was winter. The usual high is negative 10, so it’s nice to have a hibernation partner, even if gay. Chicago winters are no joke.

Who wears short shorts?

Crazy was, well, absolutely bat shit crazy. He would throw temper tantrums on the volleyball court. He would yell at people on the team. Mind you, this is a non-competitive gay league. People were more into the boozy brunches that followed than the actual sport. His parents came and watched a few games. His dad really wanted to be our coach. He played intramural volleyball in college, so he got REALLY into the games, down to making me take off my favorite ring to play. He told me I could stub my finger setting the ball. I don't set. When I informed Mr. Crazy of my inability to set a ball, I could tell he was really disappointed with me, but he still made me fork over my ring.

Crazy would call his good friend and would yell at him on the phone for not going to the gym. He would curse and say he was a fat lard and needed to get his lazy ass to the gym. I should have known then that he was probably trying to motivate me, but I ignored it and would continue eating my Cheezits.  

Proof of star tats

Crazy also lived in the heart of Boystown. He never invited me to his apartment, ever. We dated for 3 months and never once was I allowed to come over. It was probably because he had posters of naked men gracing the walls. Crazy worked out at the gayest gym in Chicago. He worked out ALL the time. He had a great body – that is something I can not deny. He also loved his body. He would often lift up his shirt in my place to check out himself out in the mirror. He loved to flex and bang his stomach. He looked so manly flexing with his matching star tattoos on his biceps. He would wake up at 4:30AM so he could be at the gym right when they unlocked the door. I, on the other hand, opted to sleep.  

My boss came to town one week and we were all going out to the bars that Friday night. I invited Crazy out. We were at a place that didn’t serve food so I asked if he could pick up Pot Belly for me, my boss and friend Nuge on his way over and we would obviously pay him back. He screamed at me on the phone. Screamed. “What do I look like, Pot Belly on wheels?” I said no, because he didn't have wheels, but more like Pot Belly on foot. He hung up on me. I was more pissed about the fact that I didn’t have food coming than him not coming. Thankfully I remembered I had a Grubhub app on my phone and solved that problem quickly. Oodles of Noodles to the rescue! 

The next day, I went to brunch with Nathan. We went to Café Ba-Ba-Rebba and had a pitcher of Sangria and tons of tapas. We then went shopping and I bought 2 pairs of jeans and then bought a humidifier – different stores of course. I then walked home and napped. A few hours later, Crazy called and said he was on his way over to talk. The words, “we need to talk” is code for we’re done. I poured a glass of the finest wine Charles Shaw had to offer and read my magazine waiting on Crazy. He was on his way over from Community Service - he was such a winner on so many levels. Like I said, a mess is a fun friend but not dating material.  

Bless you, Chuck!

When he arrived, there I sat, drinking my 2 Buck Chuck and reading Us Weekly. Go ahead, judge me. Here is how it went down:

Crazy glared at me and proclaimed, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE HEALTHY TODAY?”

I was astonished. No one has ever asked me this question before. I stared at him, trying to comprehend the most ludicrous question I have ever heard.  

He raised his voice and clapped his hands to the syllables, “WHAT – HAVE – YOU – DONE – HEAL – THY – TO – DAY," as if I was an f-ing moron.

I replied, “Well, I went to brunch with Nathan. I drank sangria but I ate all the fruit so that’s pretty healthy. I bought 2 new pairs of jeans, so I would consider that neither healthy nor unhealthy. I also bought a humidifier, which is very healthy – helps with dry skin. I didn’t take a cab and walked home, which is healthy. So I would say healthy vs. unhealthy..healthy is winning today.”

Crazy, “THAT’S IT. IF YOU CAN'T DEDICATE YOUR LIFE TO FITNESS OVER CHARLES SHAW, THIS IS NEVER GOING TO WORK.”

Me, “…..”  I was dumbfounded. I kept thinking, did I hear that right?

Crazy, “YOU HEARD ME. IF YOU CAN'T DEDICATE YOUR LIFE TO FITNESS OVER CHARLES SHAW, THIS IS NEVER GOING TO WORK. YOU NEED TO BE COMMITTED TO FITNESS." 

Me, “You’re right. This probably is not going to work out.”

Crazy, “SO THAT’S IT. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO COMPROMISE? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COMMIT TO FITNESS?”

Me, “No. There is no compromise here.” (You can’t fix crazy.)

Crazy, "YOU'RE GOING TO CHOOSE THE JUICE OVER ME?"

Me, "Correct."

Crazy, “FINE. WE’RE DONE.”

Me, “Ok.”

Crazy storms out of my apartment, down to slamming my door. I was speechless and it takes a lot to make me speechless. I grabbed my coat, phone, wine and a pack of cigs I had hidden in the freezer and I went outside to call Nathan. As I am doing a reenactment, complete with the hand clapping, Crazy walks back.

Crazy, “SMOKING? I SEE HOW IT IS. I WAS COMING BACK TO APOLOGIZE AND WORK IT OUT BUT I CAN SEE THAT WON’T BE NECESSARY.”

Me, "....." Again, I was dumbfounded. 

Crazy, "WE'RE DONE."

Me, "See ya. Nathan, did you hear that? Amazing." 

And we never spoke again and I now have the greatest breakup line ever. 

Committed to Fitness. 

Side note: for Halloween that year, I dressed up as "Committed to Fitness." I wore a running shirt, running shorts, marathon medals, sweat bands, volleyball knee pads, soccer shin guards and I carried my tennis racket & bag. No one had any clue what I was except my friends, who loved it. I kill Halloween each year. 

He Probably Just Wants to Sleep with You...

As soon as I moved to New York, people constantly told me, "dating in New York is hard." Well, no shit. There are twice as many women as men and I now have to compete with models. Real models that grace the covers and pages of fancy fashion magazines. In addition to these sex on stilts, most of the other women in New York weigh as much as my right leg. Walking around the Meat Packing or West Village neighborhood really kills any ounce of self esteem I was holding on to and then I go back to cramming my Magnolia cupcake down my throat. I eat my feelings.

What straight man wears mardi gras beads during
his entire birthday dinner? This guy. 

And let's not ignore the fact that I suck at dating. I sucked at dating in Ohio, New Haven and Chicago. In Chicago, I hung out with gay men so much that I actually thought I could date them. I met a guy on my gay volleyball team and we dated for a few months. Red flag #1. He claimed to be straight. My pet name for him was "Crazy." I only called him this behind his back of course. I met his parents very early on and his mom just loved me. Parents generally love me, but she REALLY loved me. She had already planned out our summer tennis matches. It was January by the way. After a few weeks, I came to the realization that she was just overly excited that I had a vagina. At the Super Bowl party that year, Crazy wore a shirt from baby gap and his skinny, bedazzled ass jeans were tighter than mine. Red flag #2. He didn't drink. At all. Red flag #3. He worked out at the gayest gym in Chicago - LVAC in Boystown. Gay men used to ask him out at the gym. Red flag #4. This was our correspondence about that encounter:

Crazy: I got asked out today at the gym by a guy. He wanted to meet up for coffee.
Me: Hmm. That's interesting. What did you say?
Crazy:  Well, I told him that I had other plans.
Me: With a woman? Why didn't you just tell him you're straight?
Crazy: Because I don't want to ruin my game at the gym.

Red flag #5 - #1,000. Things went downhill fast after that.

I have had slightly more success in New York, only because I vowed to stay away from trying to convert gay men. I dated my first Jewish boy last summer. He was really cute but really boring. I dated the Bible Banger and Body Builder (same person) and he was a mess. I dated Peter Pan who just wasn't ready to grow up. There has been a handful of other non-interesting dates here and there. But, no gay men (that I know of). Success. Yes, I realize that it's probably not the men, but me. I suck at dating. I admit it.

Does something ever happen to you and you have an immediate flashback to a movie scene? That happened to me last week from the classic movie, He's Just Not That Into You. You know you really have it going for you when you can relate to this movie.

The scene is where Gigi and her friend are at a bar and Gigi is talking to this guy:

Douchebag: Well, ladies, I guess, I have to get back to the office.
Gigi: You go back to the office after happy hour? What's happy about that?
Dbag: I met you. I would love to call you sometime. Do you have a card?
Gigi: Of course.
Dbag: Here is my info. Nice to meet you. Look forward to hearing from you, Gigi.
Gigi: Oh, wait. So...how are we doing this? Are you hearing from me or am I getting a call?
Dbag: What?
Gigi: You said you'd love to call me...but then you said, "Look forward to hearing from you," and..you see how that's kind of confusing?
Dbag: Yeah, look, we'll talk. We'll get in touch.
Gigi: You did it again. Very vague. You know what? Let's just say that you'll call me...and then we can skip all the nonsense.
Dbag: Goodbye, Gigi.
Note: I am quite not as pathetic as her.

A friend of mine had a birthday party a few weeks ago. I met a native, Italian New Yorker. I am always leery of the natives - there is something very intimidating about them. After the bar, we took a walk around Soho, touched tongues and exchanged numbers. He texted a few days after our MOP (make out party).
After flirty exchanges:
Chooch: What does your week look like?
Me: I am free outside of tomorrow, Friday and Sunday.
Chooch: Let's try to rendezvous again soon. Let me know when you're free.
Me: I just did.
Chooch: Ok, got it. Maybe Saturday. Can't believe you're not going to invite me to your beer club.
The end. No further communication. Are you surprised? Because I am not.

At beer club, I was telling my good friend, D-Ro, this story. (See, I can't invite guys to beer club because that's where I talk about them). After a little facebook stalking, our exchange went something like this:

why do I listen to her?

D-Ro: Ok, wow. So let's break this down. He is in his mid-30's. Single. He is good looking and probably has a lot of ladies. He is your typical, native Italian New York chooch. He is not dating material.

Me: I agree.
D-Ro: I mean, he probably just wants to sleep with you.
Me: I know, but I am sticking by Patti Stanger and there is no P in the V until monogamy. Well, who knows..maybe he is a nice guy. Maybe he isn't an asshole after all. (Always the optimist).
D-Ro: Maybe.
Me: Maybe we're just jaded?
<insert laughter> and both of us nodding in agreement.
(..yes, I know. He's just not that into 'me'. I am optimistic, but also a realist).

Side note, D-Ro and I are on to new dating adventures / interests. More to come soon...

The Joys of Online Dating...

So, this unfortunately did not happen to me. I wish it did because I would have had a lot of fun with it. When someone hands you lemons, you make lemonade (or line up tequila shots..whatever floats your boat). It happened to a good friend here in NYC, who is clearly nicer than me. It's one of my favorite online dating exchanges ever. Let me set the stage.

My friend got a short email from a person who wrote:
"Hi, I really liked your profile! Would love to chat, when are you free?"

She looked at his profile and thought - he loves Jesus and makes references to God a lot - and under "religion" he wrote "Christian and very serious about it". Obviously, this was not going to work out.

She politely wrote back:
"hi - thanks for the note. you seem like a really nice person, but i don't think we are a match. good luck and have a great weekend!"

Here is where the fun starts...
An hour later, she got the following response (direct copy & paste, complete with improper grammar and misspellings):
Can I ask an honest question please? What am I doing wrong? Everyone is tell me that im this nice and wonderfull person but person shows it at all. Everyone say im not a good match. You have to meet face to face to see if your a good match you know. I have not had a date with anyone in months and im hear single no girl and wanna a girl friend and have a relationship. Why cant we meet have desert do something nice together.

What is it aboyutabout my profile thats making every lady not write back or say im not a match or whatever? Im beeing myself praying to god everynight working my job and come home to 4 walls no person to talk or hug you know. Im not never going to find anyone becudse all people say is im not a mach well you didnt meet me at all or even speak on the phone yet.
Just give me a chance and we might like each other but if you dont and are just like everyone els then find I will enjoy my weekends along doing nothing.

And God delivered her another treat 2 days later: A follow up note!

Good Saturday Morning,
I am sorry about flipping out yesterday and after looking at your profile I think we have a lot of things on common so can’t understand why you are not interested in knowing a person as myself. So you have been in NYC for three year now I see. How do you like the city? I like the fact you said you’re a nice and im also a nice person and very cool at the same time. Are you one of these girls that actually likes the nice guy? If you’re looking for a nice then I am the man you’re looking for and know how to make a person laugh and I myself know how to make a girl feel special. Wow so you like dancing and let me tell you I love dancing and being close to a lady and always wanted to go out with a girl that dances it’s so romantic. What kind of music you like dancing to? I see you’re a NY Jets fan and last year it was a great season but we came up short and missed the Super bowl again. What you think of Mark Sanchez? I just recently got interested in different kinds of win. What is your favorite win? Anything from Italy is good for me and has a strong sense you know. So kind of eating places are you interested in ? As for me I love places like Jackson hall, Uncle Nicks, the Olive Garden, Christians dinner in Green Point, The Olive Garden and many other interesting places.
Pop culture is nice and im open to that and seeing how some cultures are different to our own you know. I like the fact you’re interested in exploring different places and towns because I am in that a lot as well. What places do you enjoy visiting? Do you bring your camera with you on your travels? Speaking about music last year at my other job saw Lady Gaga, live on the today show on 5th avenue and 59th street. Jay is good and love the music and its good dancing to as well. I love Bruce Springsteen and if you like dancing how about if we go out and go dancing together one Friday night if your available honestly not kidding. So you’re a fan of the Rocky movies. Same hear and love all of them and 4 as the best in my option. What Rocky movie did you like as the best? The note book was good and loved Good will hunting as well. I just recently started watching Friday night lights and love the actor when he was on Early Edition the man that gets tomorrows paper today. Just like you I love Italian food as well. What’s your favorite dishes? I like Mexican, Greek, Italian and other things as well. Do you have any favorite dogs you like? My parents that live in PA have a nice little Cat.
Well im nice, funny, smart and please give me a chance and let’s get to know each other better. Here’s my email address nutjob@crazy.com
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Needless to say, had I received this gem, I would have ran with it. I definitely would have requested that we meet at the Olive Garden. But, she is a better person than me and didn't respond back.

Jumping on the Resolution Bandwagon

Today I got to thinking about New Year's Resolutions. (Did I really just start this post like Carrie Bradshaw?) While waiting 20 minutes for an elliptical machine at the gym, I started looking at all these new faces I have never seen before. Don't get me wrong, I don't know everyone at my gym but if you go at a certain time of day, you recognize faces.

So, here I stand, waiting for an elliptical and dying for someone to please play a word on Words with Friends to pass the time. Then, I started thinking about new year's resolutions. Clearly, these people have taken over my gym because of some new year's resolution they have made. I only wish they would have opted for a resolution that didn't inconvenience me.

When I finally got on my beloved machine, I started thinking about my past resolutions. In high school, I used to write down 10 resolutions and tape them to the back of my door. I don't know why 10 was my magic number. 10 things you want to change about yourself? Alright teenage Denise, calm down. My resolutions used to involve some PR time for track and cross country, getting straight A's, cleaning my room regularly, etc. I was a real dork. I admit it.

In college, I stuck to the same special number, 10. Only this time, I upgraded from my piece of paper to a dry erase board - watch out world, here I come. Without fail, each year, my #1 resolution was not to procrastinate. Story of my life. Clear as day, I remember one year writing "NO MORE PROCRASTINATION - STUDY FOR FINALS BEFORE FINALS WEEK." You can take a guess on how that ended. Others included doing well in school, running more, eating healthier...you know, the usual. My super senior year I quit making resolutions. If I made it this far with my procrastination stills in full force and I was still able to pull off a 3.4 GPA while working 30+ hours a week, I think I was doing just fine. In fact, I think me and my procrastination were getting along just dandy. I am still proud of the fact that I only received 2 C's and 1 D (damn you accounting 212!) in my entire life. If only you knew how badly I procrastinated - this is really some accomplishment. I like to attribute this to my awesome bull shitting skills. Bull shitting skills kind of flies under the radar.

My Christmas Card this year

Last year, I made 1 resolution: send out Christmas cards. First year out of the gates, I opted to set the bar low. I love when my friends and family send me Christmas cards. I love seeing their kids grow up and pictures of the whole family carving pumpkins or sledding. It makes me realize just how differently I live my life. Ok, I am generally sarcastic, but I am being 100% honest here. I love seeing pictures of my friends and their families. I have a lot of cards with sleds and pumpkins. I decided that I would make Christmas cards with pictures to show my life: Drunken night in Miami? Check. Boozing at a New Kids on the Block concert? But of course. Traveling the world? Obviously. Picture of my bitchy kitty? You got it. Drunk brunches? Do people brunch any other way?  Per usual, I procrastinated. Shocking, I know. I came up with my ghetto Christmas card. I mocked something up in PowerPoint and emailed it out to my family and friends. I like to think of this as the "green" way of doing cards and ignore the fact that I procrastinated. Note: I can even bull shit myself.

This year, I am going to join all these new faces at my gym and make some real News Year's resolutions. I looked up "resolution" in the dictionary, for inspiration more than anything. I clearly know what resolution means - take a look around my gym.

The definition for resolution: 1. a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something. I love when a definition includes the word you're looking up. A resolve = resolution...you don't say so, Webster.

I am going to make 5, which is much way more realistic than my highly ambitious teenage self. I really thought about this long and hard, or rather for 45 minutes while I was on the elliptical.

Here are my New Years resolutions. Drum roll please....
1) Complete the 9+1 program with the New York Road Runners so I am guaranteed entry into the 2013 NYC Marathon

2) Call my grandma each week

3) Travel to some place new

4) Get bikini ready by May and reward myself with a trip to Vegas (this will also accomplish #3)

5) Make a budget and stick to it.

Here is a little commentary behind why I chose these, if you are still with me at this point (I am long winded):
1) I have always wanted to do the NYC marathon. I have registered every year for the lottery since 2010. If you get rejected 3 years in a row, you automatically get in your 4th year. Under these rules, I will definitely get in next year but I want to be certain of it, so I am also completing another requirement. If you register with the New York Road Runners, complete 9 races and volunteer at 1, you get in the following year. In some shape or form, I will be running the marathon in 2013.

That's my Mamaw! 

2) I love my grandma and well, she isn't getting any younger. She is also a real spit fire and has some classic sayings. One quote that she told me (that I will never in my life forget),  "Well, if she were on fire, I wouldn't give her the sweat off my pussy." You read that right. She said the P word. My grandma said pussy. Obviously, I need more stories like these to tell one day.

3) I have traveled to some place new since 2007, so this isn't really a "new" thing but it's a "new" location, so it counts. In 2007, I went to Greece, France and Italy. 2008: China, Malaysia, Thailand. 2009: Costa Rica, Guatemala. 2010: Brazil. 2011: England, Peru. This year, I am hoping for Netherlands (work trip), Germany, Spain, Cambodia, Laos. The first 3 will happen - it's the last 2 that are maybes.

4) I have been eating better and going to the gym regularly now for months, so I want to continue this and rock a bikini like no other at one of the Vegas pool parties. Oh yes, add Vegas to the list above.

5) Budgets and me don't get along, not in work or my personal life.  I know I need to be better with my finances and invest in something other than Louboutins. I just joined Mint.com and holy hell - I have a spending problem. My goal is to get that better under control. I made a budget and I hope to stick with it. Of all my resolutions, this will be the hardest. I mean, the Barney's warehouse sale is at the end of February - I need new shoes and dresses :)

Here are my resolutions  - feel free to ask me mid-year how they're going. I am sure they will be long forgotten and I will have to refer back to this post to jog my memory.

Happy 2012 everyone!
xoxox

2011: My Year in Review

I'm back. Again.

It's been a long time since my last update...roughly 8 months to be exact! A lot happened in 2011, so I just wanted to take some time to reflect:

2012, here we come!

1) I took the best trip of my life: hiking & camping in the Andes Mountains in Peru! I hiked over 60 miles in 5 days, ending the last day in Machu Picchu. It was beyond incredible.

2) I went on my first solo trip to Paris and London. Paris is beautiful. London is expensive and cold.

3) I moved to the Upper West Side in Manhattan. I moved in with my college roommate, Sara. It's a blissful union.

4) One of my other favorite vacations was renting a house in the Hamptons with my good friends for a week. Note to self: 4 Loko is no joke. Anywho....

5) I went to Miami for the first time. Brunching at Nikki Beach is like no other brunch. I love Miami.

6) I turned 30. Yikes. I might have to grow up soon. Or maybe not.

7) I made my first trip to the Jersey Shore. Seaside Heights is just like the show. I hear that parts of the Jersey Shore are actually classy. I chose to ignore this fact and will forever associate the Shore with Seaside.

8) I hit my 100th beer at beer club. Everyone has to have goals, right?

9) I still love the Barneys Warehouse Sales. Yes, I still have a shopping problem.

10) I went to upstate Mass to watch 2 good friends get married.

11) I made it back to Ohio to visit only once. I love Ohio. I need to visit more often.

12) I invested in a personal trainer. He is a mean little Asian man, but I love him. He is worth every penny.

13) Our kickball team won first place, twice.

14) I love Central Park. Doing the 6 mile loop with my friends is one of my favorite weekend activities. And so is brunching. I really love a good brunch (aka. mimosa).

...of course there are so many more things that happened but these are the top that come to my mind. All in all, 2011 was a great year. I can't wait to see what's in store next, so bring on 2012. Here we go!

Happy New Year!

xox
Denise