"Show Me Your Tits!"

So recently, I went on a coffee with a seemingly normal guy who appeared to have his shit together. But I was wrong.

We met for coffee at a really cute cafe right around the corner from my place. He also lives in the neighborhood which made him geographically desirable. While I sat there and sipped on my coffee (camomile tea for him with an excessive amount of honey), we chatted about work and life and dating. He is 35 and like I said, seemed to have his shit together. After coffee / tea, we went to the grocery store across the street so I could introduce him to vanilla almond milk. He mentioned he is a lacktard (my nickname for those who are lactose intolerant) so I really talked up almond milk. It's amazing. My breakfast is forever changed. It's my current obsession, along with coconut water, Faye yogurt and kale chips.

After grocery shopping, we parted ways and made plans to see one another again. And then that's when shit got weird.

The next morning, he sent a text saying "My cereal will never be the same. You really knocked socks off.  #neverneedcowmilkagain" I hate when people do this. Why? You are not posting this on Twitter. You are texting. Why must you use the # and run on words? Use punctuation and spaces.

I responded with "glad I was able to knock your socks off. Almond milk has changed my life. Did you have a good evening?"

Creeper, "Knock my socks off you did! Maybe soon I can knock your bra off."

Ummm...What. The. Fuck. How about dinner first? I thought it was highly f-ed up, but I played it off and basically ignored the comment. Later that day, he asked if I was free to watch a movie. I was not, but even if I didn't have plans, I would feel super uncomfortable going to some dude's apartment who I just met to watch a movie. He could be a cannibal:

http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/cannibal-cop-trial/story?id=18442029

Days later, I hear from him again. It was Tuesday at 6:30pm. He sent me a text that said, "Hey! I think you should send me a topless pic message!"

Oh yeah? Really? You think I should do that? What the fuck, creep? Do girls actually respond to this with a boob shot of themselves? What's the normal response here, because I was appalled. I wanted to google "photos of saggy grandma nipples", but didn't want that in my Google history. I didn't even wear anything provocative to our little coffee date. I have a pretty large rack that can't be concealed in a sweater, but that's not even my point. I could have had my nipples out on the table and still, this text would be inappropriate. What ever happened to dinner and drinks? It's like he skipped a few stages. He is thirty-effing-five years old. Grow up. We are not setexting teenagers.

I responded with, "I think you should delete my number."

Creeper, "Done. Thanks for the almond milk."

Choke on it, creep.