Bad News Bears

Not my shingles..but this is what they look like. 

This past summer, I contracted shingles. Sexy, right?

At this time, I was seeing/hooking up with a guy who I will refer to as BNB (bad news bears - not because he was bad news bears...but, well, you will see). On a random Monday, I woke up with a patch of "dry skin" on my hip. I thought it was a bit strange that I would get this patch of dry skin in the middle of summer, but I didn't think too much of it. I assumed my skin was angry at my new lotion but only this patch was angry - the rest of my legs were a-ok.  The next night, I stayed over at BNB's. I woke up Wednesday with shooting pains running down my leg. My "dry patch" of skin looked real aggressive. There was a significant amount of blisters. I immediately jumped in a cab and headed home. I knew that I needed to seek some medical attention stat for this situation. I do not have a primary care doctor in New York, so I always go to the Duane Reade clinic, like a real winner. I have great insurance, so I always feel a little out of place hanging out with the degenerates at Duane Reade.

My doctor's office

When I went to DR (coincidence this is short for both Duane Reade and doctor?), I told the "doctor" that I thought I had shingles. I had them as a kid, all over my face. It was real cute. I remember waking up when I was 5 with "pimples" down the right side of my face. They were also in my mouth and on my ear. I woke my mom and told her that I needed some pimple cream. She took one look at me and started to cry. That's not exactly reassuring for a 5 year old. I remember my face felt like it was on fire. These pimples were intense. She took me to my pediatrician and he sent us to Children's Hospital. I don't know why, but I loved going to the hospital when I was little. I was excited beyond belief. I also remember that no one would tell me "no" that day. Popsicle? Yes. More popsicles? Yes. Ice cream? Yes. More ice cream? Whatever you want. I ate my face off in popsicles and ice cream. I couldn't shovel them down my throat fast enough. I had to milk this opportunity. When my dad got there, he walked in the room and walked out immediately. Years later, he told me that he actually cried when he saw me because I was so hideous. Thanks dad.

So, this "doctor" at DR, who I am sure graduated at the top of her class, told me I had herpes. I started to cry. I have never had an STD. I thought it was a little bizarre that you could get an STD on your hip. I always just assumed that they would happen around the who-ha region. I asked her how this was possible and she started to chuckle. She informed me that shingles is a form of herpes and that I did not have an STD. Fuck you doc. When I ask you if I have shingles and you respond with "you have herpes", well - you can see how that can confuse someone. I don't need a technical debrief here. A simple "yes, you have shingles" would have suited me just fine.

I had just got back from Peru and she said it could be caused from stress, changes in altitude and climate, etc. I also have 'the shing' string due to my face incident and she says it lays dormant and can flair up at times for different rhymes and reason. Once we sorted out through the STD confusion, she told me that I was contagious only if someone touches it. She told me that if someone had been in contact with the area that I had to tell them. Just great. Just f-ing great. I did not want to do this. I did not want to tell BNB this news. Shingles isn't exactly sexy. After much debate, I decided to do the right thing and send an email. Here is my email, verbatim. I really do have a special way with words.

Subject: Bad News Bears
Yesterday, I woke up with some sort of small rash on my thigh. I just thought it was an allergic reaction to something, but when I woke up this morning, it had gotten way worse. I just got back from the doctor and she confirmed it is shingles (awesome, right?). Apparently, it's caused by stress which is odd because I really don't have a care in the world. Anywho, it is contagious (and utterly painful).  She actually gave me extra meds, so if by chance you get it - I will give them to you. She also said to wash any sheets. I don't think I am going to the Hamptons tonight, so you are welcome to use our washer & dryer (it's in unit). I am sorry - I really hope you don't get it.

From my Seattle friends - thanks Leigh and Andrew

There is no "hi, how are you?" "how is your day going." I dived head first into the shallow end. At the time, I didn't realize the awkwardness of my note. I did end up going to the Hamptons that night and I read my crafty note aloud to my friend, D-Ro. She laughed until she had tears in her eyes. It was then that I realized, wow - this is a really an f-ing awkward email. The note became the joke of the weekend. If you say "anywho" to any of my New York friends, they immediately start laughing. When they see signs for shingles vaccinations, they send them to me. 


On a side note, BNB's response couldn't have been any nicer if he tried. He said he was sorry for the pain I was in and not to worry about him, he has had them before, etc. He really handled it like a champ.